Even with being anxious over every last little thing, I know there are some things that it is perfectly okay to feel anxious about.
Buying your first home is one of them.
Long story short, we are paying $845 a month in rent for a 2 bed, 1 bath, 890sq ft apartment. Due to the housing bubble crash or whatever you want to call it, houses that would have been $300k and more a few years ago can be had for $80-100k. With taxes and insurance factored in, we'd be looking at saving at least $150 a month on rent alone and another $50 a month on not needing to store our other car. And that's at the $100k end of things. We also currently have enough to put down 10% on a house in that price range.
But of course there is the issue of dealing with it all. Income is an issue. A big one. The majority of our income comes in two lump sums in February and September. It is student income, about $15k between the loving hubby and I each year. Last year and the year before we made about $15k working, so have been living off of about $30k a year. But our tax return shows only the $15k.
I know we should be able to qualify for an FHA loan which isn't as stringent as a conventional loan, but the income part still worries me. I can prove we've gotten the income in the past and I can prove that at least for the next year we will continue to receive that income. What is difficult is that I only work during the semesters and well, this last semester and coming semester don't look the hottest as far as income is concerned. We'll be lucky if we get $7500 this year in earned income. If we get a house though, we'll get about $8000 back from the government for being first time home buyers come the beginning of next year, which also helps with the cash flow.
And we can't afford to keep paying rent at this amount and there aren't places any cheaper to rent either. We have to be putting out less per month to make it. We've already cut out satellite television and all the features on our home phone (call waiting, caller id, etc). We went on a cell plan with my mom and brothers to save money too and we only pay $30 a month for that. We got rid of one of our cars that we weren't driving which just saved us a bunch on insurance. We've been living off of just under $1400 a month so far this year, and with (at least up until this coming month) paying $800 a month in rent and $260 in a car payment, I think I can run a pretty tight ship for a three-person household.
Lets just hope the loan guy sees it that way. Though we know the rate will be slightly higher, we are first going to talk to the loan guy at our bank. We know everyone in the branch by first name and they know us. They can also easily see our cash flow and that we have the huge deposits twice a year. I am hoping/praying that it will help. Along with being able to show that despite our rent being nearly 60% of our income we have been able to make it and that lowering that housing payment is just going to make it even easier.
I told loving hubby I would go with him to the bank in the morning to talk about it. But I am now just freaking out and trying not to fall into a full-blown panic attack. As I started this post out, I know it is normal to feel anxious about something like this. It is a huge step. I just hope I don't have a melt-down midway through.
(BTW, loving hubby has been looking for a job since January with no luck. Sweetheart has been looking even longer. Our county currently has nearly a 20% unemployment rate.)
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Saturday, June 20, 2009
Its been a while...
And things haven't been going the greatest.
Ups and downs. A lot of them. (just to note there were breaks between each of these, I didnt go right from one to the other.)
A catch up here of sorts. 50mg of Zoloft was more than I could tolerate during the day but helped me sleep. 25mgs didn't do anything. 37.5mg helped me get to sleep, but I ended up waking up but my brain would not kick out of REM... which meant vivid, realistic audible hallucinations. No more Zoloft.
Tried Celexa. Helped me sleep. A little too well. Also made my chest tight. Took Benadryl and felt awake and other than anxious, well. Basically had a slow allergic reaction to it. No more Celexa.
Tried Prozac. Three days of migraines later, no more Prozac.
Tried Paxil. Minor headaches and feeling like I was disconnected from my body, like I was experiencing everything in third person. No more Prozac.
Tried something I can't even remember the name of. Long story short it was supposed to just help me get some damn sleep but ended up speeding me up instead. No more of than one.
Tried Buspar. Still on it. Mixed results. Having a hard time getting to sleep but when I do get to sleep I actually get some restful sleep, even if it is in short spurts. So I feel far more rested than I have in quite a while even though I am only truly getting 2-3 hours of sleep a night. On the negative side, I can only take a half dose during the day because it makes me dizzy for a few hours after taking it (not an issue when I am in bed, so I've been taking a full dose at night). Seems to help some with the panic attacks, thought not with the anxiety overall. I haven't had any un-triggered panic attacks since getting up to this dosage, so they are fewer, but still having them over things that I know are issues. ABSOLUTELY vital I don't forget a dose. EVERYTHING will set me off into a panic if I miss a dose. Can't have caffeine of any sort. I had half a Dr. Pepper a week after I started taking it. For the next two hours I felt like I was running on a treadmill. Pulse about 120, sweating like all hell and crunching ice to keep from feeling overheated. No anxiety with it, just felt monstrously sped. Also can't get through a night without getting up at least once to get a small snack as it seems to be messing with my blood sugar. I can't go more than 4 hours-ish without food.
Despite everything though, I feel a little more in control of myself than I have in a long time. Part of me is happy to be able to not randomly get panicked over nothing I can identify. Part of me is upset that what has worked best so far still leaves me far from 'functional'.
I know I need to bring up the possibility of disability with my doctor. I know he'd be supportive of it at this point. But the thought of bringing it up gives me anxiety in and of itself. And the thought of dealing with the whole process terrifies me. I'll only have (if I am lucky), 2 units to teach in the fall, down from 4 this past spring, 8 last fall and 12 the spring before that. I've told family that it is due to budget cuts, but had I been able to complete other things I would have had a full schedule of units. This isn't a 'might have', this is a 'I've been told specifically I would have and that future units are conditional on completing those other things'.
I really don't know what to do. It feels like everything in my life has come to a grinding halt and it doesn't matter how hard I try to do things, I can't seem to get them done.
Ups and downs. A lot of them. (just to note there were breaks between each of these, I didnt go right from one to the other.)
A catch up here of sorts. 50mg of Zoloft was more than I could tolerate during the day but helped me sleep. 25mgs didn't do anything. 37.5mg helped me get to sleep, but I ended up waking up but my brain would not kick out of REM... which meant vivid, realistic audible hallucinations. No more Zoloft.
Tried Celexa. Helped me sleep. A little too well. Also made my chest tight. Took Benadryl and felt awake and other than anxious, well. Basically had a slow allergic reaction to it. No more Celexa.
Tried Prozac. Three days of migraines later, no more Prozac.
Tried Paxil. Minor headaches and feeling like I was disconnected from my body, like I was experiencing everything in third person. No more Prozac.
Tried something I can't even remember the name of. Long story short it was supposed to just help me get some damn sleep but ended up speeding me up instead. No more of than one.
Tried Buspar. Still on it. Mixed results. Having a hard time getting to sleep but when I do get to sleep I actually get some restful sleep, even if it is in short spurts. So I feel far more rested than I have in quite a while even though I am only truly getting 2-3 hours of sleep a night. On the negative side, I can only take a half dose during the day because it makes me dizzy for a few hours after taking it (not an issue when I am in bed, so I've been taking a full dose at night). Seems to help some with the panic attacks, thought not with the anxiety overall. I haven't had any un-triggered panic attacks since getting up to this dosage, so they are fewer, but still having them over things that I know are issues. ABSOLUTELY vital I don't forget a dose. EVERYTHING will set me off into a panic if I miss a dose. Can't have caffeine of any sort. I had half a Dr. Pepper a week after I started taking it. For the next two hours I felt like I was running on a treadmill. Pulse about 120, sweating like all hell and crunching ice to keep from feeling overheated. No anxiety with it, just felt monstrously sped. Also can't get through a night without getting up at least once to get a small snack as it seems to be messing with my blood sugar. I can't go more than 4 hours-ish without food.
Despite everything though, I feel a little more in control of myself than I have in a long time. Part of me is happy to be able to not randomly get panicked over nothing I can identify. Part of me is upset that what has worked best so far still leaves me far from 'functional'.
I know I need to bring up the possibility of disability with my doctor. I know he'd be supportive of it at this point. But the thought of bringing it up gives me anxiety in and of itself. And the thought of dealing with the whole process terrifies me. I'll only have (if I am lucky), 2 units to teach in the fall, down from 4 this past spring, 8 last fall and 12 the spring before that. I've told family that it is due to budget cuts, but had I been able to complete other things I would have had a full schedule of units. This isn't a 'might have', this is a 'I've been told specifically I would have and that future units are conditional on completing those other things'.
I really don't know what to do. It feels like everything in my life has come to a grinding halt and it doesn't matter how hard I try to do things, I can't seem to get them done.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
More appointments and stuff
I have another doctors appointment this afternoon that I have to leave to in about 20 minutes so I'll have to squeeze this post in.
Staring at the ceiling in bed about a week ago I started to think about the holidays... specifically the time between Thanksgiving and Christmas. I started with Thanksgiving, thinking about we had gone to my Grandmother's house and the food. But then I realized what I was remembering was Thanksgiving the year before. As much as I tried, I couldn't remember an actual memory from this Thanksgiving. I mean, I knew what went on that day because I know what was supposed to go on that day. But actual memories, no.
I thought about it some more and realized, other than a few blips here and there, I know what went on because of what was supposed to go on, but I really don't remember anything between Thanksgiving and just before Christmas for this past season. I know it was the height of my stress (and ended in culmination with 40 hours of no sleep, a near psychotic break, a trip to the psychologist last minute before the office closed for the holidays and a subsequent visit to the doctor who prescribed sleeping pills for the time being). It was one, long, continuous anxiety attack. I can't imagine what would have happened if what triggered the 'finale' of insomnia, if one would call it that, hadn't happened. Would I have continued loosing time?
Anyway, I am up to 50mg of the Zoloft stuff a day. I dunno. Its not really having any affect on my anxiety and I don't notice any differences in sleep between the 25 and 50mg dosages. I'm sure he'll put me up to 75mg or even 100mg today. My muscles feel tight and tingly which I don't know to attribute to the Zoloft or just to my history of muscle spasms. My appetite has taken a nose dive and I've lost 6 lbs since being on it. I'm more aware of my heart racing when before I knew it was but I was more preoccupied with what was happening in my head... now I realize both.
I woke up about 6am the day after going up to the 50mg in a major attack. I felt terrified for no reason and I felt like I wanted to scream. I didn't. I laid in bed for an hour feeling awful. I knew if I screamed it wouldn't help and would just end up freaking my Loving Hubby and Sweetheart out. About 7am I knew my heart racing so long coupled with I hadn't eaten since 6pm the evening before that my blood sugar was low. It took me another 30 minutes to muster enough mental strength to move through the panic and get up to get something to eat.
At least once a day since mid-November I've had anxiety severe enough to call it a panic attack, though of varying degrees. I want to file for disability... but I can't muster enough non-anxiety to even broach it with my doctor.
Staring at the ceiling in bed about a week ago I started to think about the holidays... specifically the time between Thanksgiving and Christmas. I started with Thanksgiving, thinking about we had gone to my Grandmother's house and the food. But then I realized what I was remembering was Thanksgiving the year before. As much as I tried, I couldn't remember an actual memory from this Thanksgiving. I mean, I knew what went on that day because I know what was supposed to go on that day. But actual memories, no.
I thought about it some more and realized, other than a few blips here and there, I know what went on because of what was supposed to go on, but I really don't remember anything between Thanksgiving and just before Christmas for this past season. I know it was the height of my stress (and ended in culmination with 40 hours of no sleep, a near psychotic break, a trip to the psychologist last minute before the office closed for the holidays and a subsequent visit to the doctor who prescribed sleeping pills for the time being). It was one, long, continuous anxiety attack. I can't imagine what would have happened if what triggered the 'finale' of insomnia, if one would call it that, hadn't happened. Would I have continued loosing time?
Anyway, I am up to 50mg of the Zoloft stuff a day. I dunno. Its not really having any affect on my anxiety and I don't notice any differences in sleep between the 25 and 50mg dosages. I'm sure he'll put me up to 75mg or even 100mg today. My muscles feel tight and tingly which I don't know to attribute to the Zoloft or just to my history of muscle spasms. My appetite has taken a nose dive and I've lost 6 lbs since being on it. I'm more aware of my heart racing when before I knew it was but I was more preoccupied with what was happening in my head... now I realize both.
I woke up about 6am the day after going up to the 50mg in a major attack. I felt terrified for no reason and I felt like I wanted to scream. I didn't. I laid in bed for an hour feeling awful. I knew if I screamed it wouldn't help and would just end up freaking my Loving Hubby and Sweetheart out. About 7am I knew my heart racing so long coupled with I hadn't eaten since 6pm the evening before that my blood sugar was low. It took me another 30 minutes to muster enough mental strength to move through the panic and get up to get something to eat.
At least once a day since mid-November I've had anxiety severe enough to call it a panic attack, though of varying degrees. I want to file for disability... but I can't muster enough non-anxiety to even broach it with my doctor.
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Medication
As I was starting to go quite insane from the lack of sleep, went to the doctor a week ago Tuesday to discuss the lack of sleep/anxiety. He wanted me to try zoloft but worried that I might have a reaction to it since I've had issues with other medications of similar types, wanted to start me on an uber-small dosage.
So he started me on 1/2 a 25mg tablet a few hours before bed for a week. I didn't notice any difference but we really didn't expect much as a normal adult dosage is 50-100mg. Just looking for any side effects.
Didn't have any really (or at least that I connected to it). Kinda lost my appetite but after weeks of so little sleep, I really wasn't surprised by that.
Went up to 25mg this Tuesday after seeing the doc again. I actually got about 4 hours of sleep both Tuesday and Wednesday night AND actually hit rem sleep. I feel better in that sense but now its no longer just lack of appetite (in which I'd still eat just wasn't hungry), but food just sounds bad now. Just came back from dinner with my mom and brothers (it is my youngest brother's birthday), Loving hubby and Sweetheart. I ate maybe a 1/3 of what was on my plate and got the rest to go. And its a meal I normally would have been able to finish just fine. Now we are expected to go over to my aunt's house for cake/ice cream which I am sure I'm going to be expected to have some. Sounds disgusting right now.
I also have this weird headache which I had lightly on Sun/Mon but now is irritating to say the least. Its in the back of my head and radiates down into my neck and back of my jaw. Like the muscles are super tight and irritated. I'm supposed to call the doctor tomorrow and discuss the dosage and possibly going up to 37.5mg for the weekend to try for more sleep, but I think I'm going to stay at 25mg for a while. Lots of stuff I've read said most of the more annoying side effects go away after 2 weeks but being I was on such a low dose I want to give it a little more time.
As far as helping with the anxiety? Mentally... eh. At this point I think just getting the little bit more sleep I've gotten the last two nights has made somewhat of a difference. I feel kinda locked into a '2' on my scale; no real ups or downs which I suppose is good. But it doesn't necessarily feel right either. More like a fog slowing my anxiety down versus actually stopping it. Hard to explain. I don't like how my anxiety ups/downs make me feel, but I am not entirely sure I like how this feels.
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PS. Because after telling some people about being on Zoloft and the 'oh! it isn't making you feel suicidal is it?' I felt I needed to post this disclaimer. No, I am not feeling suicidal nor have I ever. Damn stereotypes.
So he started me on 1/2 a 25mg tablet a few hours before bed for a week. I didn't notice any difference but we really didn't expect much as a normal adult dosage is 50-100mg. Just looking for any side effects.
Didn't have any really (or at least that I connected to it). Kinda lost my appetite but after weeks of so little sleep, I really wasn't surprised by that.
Went up to 25mg this Tuesday after seeing the doc again. I actually got about 4 hours of sleep both Tuesday and Wednesday night AND actually hit rem sleep. I feel better in that sense but now its no longer just lack of appetite (in which I'd still eat just wasn't hungry), but food just sounds bad now. Just came back from dinner with my mom and brothers (it is my youngest brother's birthday), Loving hubby and Sweetheart. I ate maybe a 1/3 of what was on my plate and got the rest to go. And its a meal I normally would have been able to finish just fine. Now we are expected to go over to my aunt's house for cake/ice cream which I am sure I'm going to be expected to have some. Sounds disgusting right now.
I also have this weird headache which I had lightly on Sun/Mon but now is irritating to say the least. Its in the back of my head and radiates down into my neck and back of my jaw. Like the muscles are super tight and irritated. I'm supposed to call the doctor tomorrow and discuss the dosage and possibly going up to 37.5mg for the weekend to try for more sleep, but I think I'm going to stay at 25mg for a while. Lots of stuff I've read said most of the more annoying side effects go away after 2 weeks but being I was on such a low dose I want to give it a little more time.
As far as helping with the anxiety? Mentally... eh. At this point I think just getting the little bit more sleep I've gotten the last two nights has made somewhat of a difference. I feel kinda locked into a '2' on my scale; no real ups or downs which I suppose is good. But it doesn't necessarily feel right either. More like a fog slowing my anxiety down versus actually stopping it. Hard to explain. I don't like how my anxiety ups/downs make me feel, but I am not entirely sure I like how this feels.
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PS. Because after telling some people about being on Zoloft and the 'oh! it isn't making you feel suicidal is it?' I felt I needed to post this disclaimer. No, I am not feeling suicidal nor have I ever. Damn stereotypes.
Monday, March 2, 2009
Insomnia
Right now I get the feeling that if I could actually sleep for more than 10-15 minute blips in a four hour period I could actually function today.
The insomnia is just not relenting this time. I laid in bed awake most of the night... totalled about an hour of sleep. I even reset the alarm for later to try and get some more sleep.
Looking at me after I finally decided to forget laying in bed and trying to get something done, Loving Hubby said "I can feel your brain short circuit from here." Somehow his attempts at humor this morning did not amuse me... I give him credit for trying, but I've gotten all of 35 hours of sleep in the last two weeks... or averaging 2.5 hours of sleep a night.
I have another doctors appointment tomorrow. If I don't go insane before then...
The insomnia is just not relenting this time. I laid in bed awake most of the night... totalled about an hour of sleep. I even reset the alarm for later to try and get some more sleep.
Looking at me after I finally decided to forget laying in bed and trying to get something done, Loving Hubby said "I can feel your brain short circuit from here." Somehow his attempts at humor this morning did not amuse me... I give him credit for trying, but I've gotten all of 35 hours of sleep in the last two weeks... or averaging 2.5 hours of sleep a night.
I have another doctors appointment tomorrow. If I don't go insane before then...
Thursday, February 26, 2009
damn it
I've been sitting here a while wanting to write a post. There are several things I want to get out but honestly, everytime I think about typing them it is like my mind says "fuck you, go to hell".
Today is one of those days that anxiety isn't so much about panic, but my mind acting like a stubborn 2-year-old and just outright refusing to anything of substance.
Today is one of those days that anxiety isn't so much about panic, but my mind acting like a stubborn 2-year-old and just outright refusing to anything of substance.
Monday, February 23, 2009
*cringe*
It is raining out. And I have to work today. It should be an easy day for me at least, since it is just sitting and watching more presentations and I know I will be fine if I can just get myself out of the damn apartment... and not float off into my own little world.
The extremes of the anxiety the last few weeks left me rather shut down yesterday afternoon and evening. I took a nap from about 4 to 630pm after coming home from the pet store, even though I didn't get out of bed until after noon yesterday. Then I went to bed at 11pm and didn't get up until about 40 minutes ago. Not that I even really napped or slept at all...
No, I was fucking day dreaming. I didn't really do anything yesterday. Other than the rain which I just plainly don't like more than it gives me anxiety, I felt generally fine. But my mind still kept wandering and before I realized it my mind was off in its own little fantasy land for pretty much the rest of the day and night. I know I was just coming down from all the stress of the anxiety, but keeping my mind off these daydreams once they start going is nearly as maddening.
I want to feel as relaxed as I am in the daydreams in reality.... which is kinda odd considering I am still a nervous person in the daydreams, I just either handle it better or everyone else does.
The extremes of the anxiety the last few weeks left me rather shut down yesterday afternoon and evening. I took a nap from about 4 to 630pm after coming home from the pet store, even though I didn't get out of bed until after noon yesterday. Then I went to bed at 11pm and didn't get up until about 40 minutes ago. Not that I even really napped or slept at all...
No, I was fucking day dreaming. I didn't really do anything yesterday. Other than the rain which I just plainly don't like more than it gives me anxiety, I felt generally fine. But my mind still kept wandering and before I realized it my mind was off in its own little fantasy land for pretty much the rest of the day and night. I know I was just coming down from all the stress of the anxiety, but keeping my mind off these daydreams once they start going is nearly as maddening.
I want to feel as relaxed as I am in the daydreams in reality.... which is kinda odd considering I am still a nervous person in the daydreams, I just either handle it better or everyone else does.
Sunday, February 22, 2009
On Today's to-do list
Got up less than an hour ago, but feel pretty good today. Somewhere between a 1 and a 2 on the list. I really hope it stays that way because Loving Hubby is away today, Sweetheart can't drive and really should stay home (she twisted up her knee and is using crutches for a bit)... and the cats need food and we need toilet paper. It's always the basics that get you in the end. And it is raining. Blah.
But it was nice to see I have four followers to this blog now. I am still trying to figure out if/how I can respond directly to comments so in the mean time I will do so here. Going to kinda answer them broadly since the responses would likely be for more than just one person.
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Most universities (not so much community colleges any more, but some still do) have on campus licensed psychologists that students can go see for free or very, very cheap. I've found the doctors and psychologists at the university to be much more understanding/willing to help than average, probably because they are used to seeing students who with the help of their parents or something, made it through high school with relative ease only to open up and break down once they hit college.
I am also very glad to see other people are commenting with their feelings/thoughts regarding anxiety. It's nice to not feel alone.
But it was nice to see I have four followers to this blog now. I am still trying to figure out if/how I can respond directly to comments so in the mean time I will do so here. Going to kinda answer them broadly since the responses would likely be for more than just one person.
---------
Most universities (not so much community colleges any more, but some still do) have on campus licensed psychologists that students can go see for free or very, very cheap. I've found the doctors and psychologists at the university to be much more understanding/willing to help than average, probably because they are used to seeing students who with the help of their parents or something, made it through high school with relative ease only to open up and break down once they hit college.
I am also very glad to see other people are commenting with their feelings/thoughts regarding anxiety. It's nice to not feel alone.
Saturday, February 21, 2009
Things that I should have pieced together (original to 1/22/2009)
Once I came to the realization that this anxiety was not normal I tried to peice together when I first started being anxious about things, whether they were 'normal' anxieties or not.
I kept coming to the conclusion that it was about the time I hit puberty. It was when I first starting actively using coping mechanisms to get through some days... but then Loving Hubby mentioned something he's mentioned before, but for some reason it was only now that I really thought about it.
I grind me teeth at night. And I have since I first started school. For a while in first or second grade, I can't remember for sure which, I even had a night guard retainer to help keep me from grinding or at least if I did, protect my teeth.... by the way, I chewed through it.
I was always shy and nervous in school, espeacilly when I was younger. I was always the shortest in my classes. I remember getting made fun of in first grade because I had afternoon reading, which was for the second graders. At my school we had the early schedule where kids came at 7 and left at 2 and the late schedule where kids came at 8 and left at 3. The point was to allow the teacher to pick a subject where she felt the students were fairly split on, the more advanced versus the less advanced, and use the hour to give the kids more attention. Long story short, the more advanced kids didn't have to be bored doing the same thing as the less advanced kids and the less advanced kids got the extra help they needed to keep up. I was in a split class, half 1st/half 2nd grade and reading was the subject that the teacher's chose to split. I was a first grader but was on the schedule of the 2nd graders.... lets just say the other kids suck and leave it at that.
But more onto the topic, I really didn't like going to school. I was bored, I didn't fit in and I absolutely H-A-T-E-D being the center of attention. I'd never tell my parents about those elementary school concerts so I didn't have to be on stage. The thought of being on stage made me sick. The more I think about it, the more I see I've always had anxiety, it's just gotten worse over time.
I think what kept me from labeling what I felt when I was younger as anxiety was that in junior high and high school I was in choir and thus was constantly on stage. I had a hard time with it in junior high and pushed myself through it, but the summer before I started 9th grade I decided that being 'me' wasn't working. I was too shy, nervous and didn't feel like I had control over anything. So I created a nickname for myself that I would insist everyone at school use, and tried it out while at camp that summer. Someone who was me but wasn't. Someone bolder who didn't know what anxiety was.
Happily or sadly, it worked. I went through high school like that. Yes, there where times when anxiety kept me from doing things. The anxiety created by my swimming coach (there are very few people I've met that I can truley label as I hate, she is one of them) kept me from continuing swim team the next year (and injuries after that).
Something that always stuck with me, was my counselor at the high school who I really did like. She said that one of the reasons she liked me was how even when stressed I could remain calm and not care what anyone thought (this was said on a day I wore maroon sweats to school... not cute ones, like Hanes brand sweats). All I could think of then was what a lie it all felt like.
I kept coming to the conclusion that it was about the time I hit puberty. It was when I first starting actively using coping mechanisms to get through some days... but then Loving Hubby mentioned something he's mentioned before, but for some reason it was only now that I really thought about it.
I grind me teeth at night. And I have since I first started school. For a while in first or second grade, I can't remember for sure which, I even had a night guard retainer to help keep me from grinding or at least if I did, protect my teeth.... by the way, I chewed through it.
I was always shy and nervous in school, espeacilly when I was younger. I was always the shortest in my classes. I remember getting made fun of in first grade because I had afternoon reading, which was for the second graders. At my school we had the early schedule where kids came at 7 and left at 2 and the late schedule where kids came at 8 and left at 3. The point was to allow the teacher to pick a subject where she felt the students were fairly split on, the more advanced versus the less advanced, and use the hour to give the kids more attention. Long story short, the more advanced kids didn't have to be bored doing the same thing as the less advanced kids and the less advanced kids got the extra help they needed to keep up. I was in a split class, half 1st/half 2nd grade and reading was the subject that the teacher's chose to split. I was a first grader but was on the schedule of the 2nd graders.... lets just say the other kids suck and leave it at that.
But more onto the topic, I really didn't like going to school. I was bored, I didn't fit in and I absolutely H-A-T-E-D being the center of attention. I'd never tell my parents about those elementary school concerts so I didn't have to be on stage. The thought of being on stage made me sick. The more I think about it, the more I see I've always had anxiety, it's just gotten worse over time.
I think what kept me from labeling what I felt when I was younger as anxiety was that in junior high and high school I was in choir and thus was constantly on stage. I had a hard time with it in junior high and pushed myself through it, but the summer before I started 9th grade I decided that being 'me' wasn't working. I was too shy, nervous and didn't feel like I had control over anything. So I created a nickname for myself that I would insist everyone at school use, and tried it out while at camp that summer. Someone who was me but wasn't. Someone bolder who didn't know what anxiety was.
Happily or sadly, it worked. I went through high school like that. Yes, there where times when anxiety kept me from doing things. The anxiety created by my swimming coach (there are very few people I've met that I can truley label as I hate, she is one of them) kept me from continuing swim team the next year (and injuries after that).
Something that always stuck with me, was my counselor at the high school who I really did like. She said that one of the reasons she liked me was how even when stressed I could remain calm and not care what anyone thought (this was said on a day I wore maroon sweats to school... not cute ones, like Hanes brand sweats). All I could think of then was what a lie it all felt like.
Sick (original to 1/2/2009)
Why is it that when I am sick my anxiety is totally manageable? Despite being sick with a nasty head cold, I was NOT going to miss our New Years. The whole point of it was to relax and destress and I had been looking forward to it since I booked it in November.
We went to Monterey and got a neat hotel suite with two rooms and an in room hot tub for me, Loving Hubby and Sweetheart. We also went to this event called "First Night Monterey"... basically a dry new years festival thing. Got a henna tattoo on my hand, saw Taiko drummers, and a slew of other things. It was fairly crowded but a good portion of it was outdoors where there is always an 'escape'. The henna tattoo was fun even if it was one of the two things that made me kinda anxious. The only other people really around us in line were kids so I felt completely silly and a bit anxious, but Sweetheart kept me in line and made me do it which I am glad. Later in the evening when it got colder and most of the events where inside and more crowded my heart started racing and I was close to having an attack, but at that point we decided to go back to the hotel room with our snacks and apple cider and relax in the hot tub.
My head felt like someone was trying to cram it full of clay and then inflate the clay somehow, but I really enjoyed myself. On New Years day I was tired and still felt blah, but we stopped at Marina State Beach on the way back home and walked around for a bit. There was hardly anyone there except for a few people walking their dogs and a few surfers on the gorgeous waves farther down the beach. It was wonderfully peaceful and if it wasn't for the sand in my sneakers that no matter what I did I couldn't get out (which lead me to nearly pitching a fit when we got back to the car since I couldn't get them off quick enough and started to feel claustrophobic, thank you Loving Hubby for getting them the hell off of me), it would have been nearly anxiety free.
I can't really remember exactly when I could claim I had another day I felt that 'unanxious'... the only day that even remotely comes to mind was Sweetheart's birthday back in August, or some time right around there. I figured out then that with my new swimsuit, it actually fit well enough that I could properly dive into a pool without worrying about something popping out. I love to swim and dive but I was in high school the last time I was able to dive and not have to hold my top in place. It was almost rediculous how unbelievably happy it made me.
We went to Monterey and got a neat hotel suite with two rooms and an in room hot tub for me, Loving Hubby and Sweetheart. We also went to this event called "First Night Monterey"... basically a dry new years festival thing. Got a henna tattoo on my hand, saw Taiko drummers, and a slew of other things. It was fairly crowded but a good portion of it was outdoors where there is always an 'escape'. The henna tattoo was fun even if it was one of the two things that made me kinda anxious. The only other people really around us in line were kids so I felt completely silly and a bit anxious, but Sweetheart kept me in line and made me do it which I am glad. Later in the evening when it got colder and most of the events where inside and more crowded my heart started racing and I was close to having an attack, but at that point we decided to go back to the hotel room with our snacks and apple cider and relax in the hot tub.
My head felt like someone was trying to cram it full of clay and then inflate the clay somehow, but I really enjoyed myself. On New Years day I was tired and still felt blah, but we stopped at Marina State Beach on the way back home and walked around for a bit. There was hardly anyone there except for a few people walking their dogs and a few surfers on the gorgeous waves farther down the beach. It was wonderfully peaceful and if it wasn't for the sand in my sneakers that no matter what I did I couldn't get out (which lead me to nearly pitching a fit when we got back to the car since I couldn't get them off quick enough and started to feel claustrophobic, thank you Loving Hubby for getting them the hell off of me), it would have been nearly anxiety free.
I can't really remember exactly when I could claim I had another day I felt that 'unanxious'... the only day that even remotely comes to mind was Sweetheart's birthday back in August, or some time right around there. I figured out then that with my new swimsuit, it actually fit well enough that I could properly dive into a pool without worrying about something popping out. I love to swim and dive but I was in high school the last time I was able to dive and not have to hold my top in place. It was almost rediculous how unbelievably happy it made me.
Headache and Sleep
I have a raging headache right now, and not a normal one either. It's this weird pressure type headache and the only thing I can compare it to is a hangover headache (and no, I haven't been drinking nor have I had any alcohol in quite some time).
I think it is an anxiety attack hangover. I've been so riled up since Wednesday. Crashed (sorta) at 930pm yesterday and didn't get out of bed until 1130 this morning, and I only ended up getting up then because my bladder wouldn't let me stay in bed any longer. That's not all to say I actually slept... I had two solid hours between 5am-7am, but otherwise it was sleeping for 15-20 minutes, wake up, see the clock thinking its hours later only to be disappointed. I guess it is better than getting no sleep at all, but just the thought of doing anything today other than laying around and trying to daydream my way into some decent sleep sounds like hell.
To many it sounds counterproductive, to be thinking about things when trying to sleep... but really it is my only way I can ever get to sleep. If I don't try to concentrate on something enjoyable or 'daydreamish' my mind ends up wandering to things that set off my anxiety and then all the daydreams in the world won't help me sleep. At times I find it the most despicable coping mechanism, as I am basically creating in my mind a fantasy world in hopes that it helps me sleep. I know it sounds harmless, but I shouldn't have to resort to it... and I worry (though oddly the worry doesnt cause any anxiety) that when I have really bad days that I'd use it during the day while I am awake to cope, and I don't want to live in a fantasy land.
I think it is an anxiety attack hangover. I've been so riled up since Wednesday. Crashed (sorta) at 930pm yesterday and didn't get out of bed until 1130 this morning, and I only ended up getting up then because my bladder wouldn't let me stay in bed any longer. That's not all to say I actually slept... I had two solid hours between 5am-7am, but otherwise it was sleeping for 15-20 minutes, wake up, see the clock thinking its hours later only to be disappointed. I guess it is better than getting no sleep at all, but just the thought of doing anything today other than laying around and trying to daydream my way into some decent sleep sounds like hell.
To many it sounds counterproductive, to be thinking about things when trying to sleep... but really it is my only way I can ever get to sleep. If I don't try to concentrate on something enjoyable or 'daydreamish' my mind ends up wandering to things that set off my anxiety and then all the daydreams in the world won't help me sleep. At times I find it the most despicable coping mechanism, as I am basically creating in my mind a fantasy world in hopes that it helps me sleep. I know it sounds harmless, but I shouldn't have to resort to it... and I worry (though oddly the worry doesnt cause any anxiety) that when I have really bad days that I'd use it during the day while I am awake to cope, and I don't want to live in a fantasy land.
Monday, February 16, 2009
Good Day - Anxiety Scale
I have a scale I rate my anxiety level on.
0 - base level, or how I've come to feel what normal for me is. I am still anxious, but it would take something out of the ordinary stressful to send me into an anxiety attack. This is a functional level. I can interact with my close friends and family without a problem. I can 'fake' being fine though 'faking it' can often push me into more anxiety. Pretty easy to get me to go out.
1 - am visibly 'disturbed' to people unfamiliar with me but generally won't interact with those I don't know well (ie, hand tremors, bouncy leg), though close friends and family don't tend to notice or don't say anything. Need to stick to the very familiar and can only tolerate small disturbances (ie, the phone ringing repeatedly) without being pushed into a mild-moderate attack. Takes some pushing to get me to go out.
2 - I seem 'off' to even those close to me. Any repeat small disturbance (including a disturbance that happened days or weeks ago if it caused an attack) will make make the anxiety worse. Nearly 100% likely to have at least a short-term (no more than a few hours) attack at some point during the day. Won't go out unless it is something I enjoy or have no other choice but to do. Have to be careful of my clothing choices as they can cause a claustrophobic type anxiety-attack. Need to be sure to have glucose tablets (to treat hypoglycemia) with me.
3 - Multiple short-term/mild or single moderate (all day) anxiety attack. May even wake up in an anxiety attack even if I was fine the night before. Muscle spasms tend to start at this level. Won't go out for things I enjoy and will only go out for things I absolutely must do but will not go out alone. Will get out of 'outside' clothing and into 'inside' clothing the moment I step in the door if I was out. If out, will wander down every single aisle of a store (OCD) and seem rather aimless or 'lost'. Will yell and be easily frustrated by tasks I am used to doing. Tendency towards insomnia but not always. This level and higher can have attacks with no known trigger.
4 - Constant long term anxiety attack, indederminate amound of time. Little/nothing can be done to stop physiological symptoms even if for short burst can distract myself from the mental anxiety. Any disturbance is like throwing fuel on the fire and only time will let the fire burn down. Highly prone to repetitive or OCD actions (patterns, constantly repeating a game to get it 'perfect', stacking objects). Will not go out or get dressed. If already out will be on the verge of tears or crying, clingly tightly to whoever I am with. Hypoglycemic through the entire attack. Tend to have insomnia more often than not, able to get to sleep but never for more than 30 minutes at a time.
5, type A (adrenaline type) - Full blown major anxiety attack. Crying, panic, terror. High pulse rate, chest pain, muscle spasms. Highly hypoglycemic, blood sugar can drop 30-40 points within 15-30 minutes of onset of the attack and will continue to drop so it becomes an absolute must to get sugars into my system and need help doing so because I'd end up dropping/breaking/spilling things. Insomnia. Will not sleep without the help of heavy sedatives. Unknown period of total insomnia (longest time awake in attack has been 40 hours) as sedatives will be taken sooner or later. Will fall into level 4 after sleeping 10-12 hours.
5, type B (shutdown type) - Full blown major anxiety attack. Initial physical symptoms similar to type A but quickly (an hour or two) will end up asleep for up to 18-20 hours. Will fall into level 4 after waking but for a shorter time than type A. Generally 'out of it' and depressed for several days.
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With that being said, the last few months in particular have seen 'normal' as somewhere between a 1 and 2, or not fully functional without help, with at least three days a week (on average) being a 3 or higher. Grocery day was definetely a level 4 day. Had two level 5 type A attacks (type B is far less common), in the last few months. Starting this blog was definetely an OCD moment/hours.
I feel like I've really wound down from grocery day, and would rate today as a good day somewhere between a 2 and 3. At the same time the thought is also depressing to think that a good day means only feeling like your body just ran a marathon once and knowing I will likely be able to get to sleep without much effort tonight.
******* By the way, yes, I know low blood sugar can cause anxiety but I've figured out the 'chicken or the egg' arguement years ago. Just because my blood sugar drops doesn't mean I'm anxious or having an anxiety attack... but if I am having a major anxiety attack my blood sugar will drop. We've tested this theory before. Test blood sugar and get a normal reading. Do something that will induce an anxiety attack and test blood sugar again and get a low reading.
0 - base level, or how I've come to feel what normal for me is. I am still anxious, but it would take something out of the ordinary stressful to send me into an anxiety attack. This is a functional level. I can interact with my close friends and family without a problem. I can 'fake' being fine though 'faking it' can often push me into more anxiety. Pretty easy to get me to go out.
1 - am visibly 'disturbed' to people unfamiliar with me but generally won't interact with those I don't know well (ie, hand tremors, bouncy leg), though close friends and family don't tend to notice or don't say anything. Need to stick to the very familiar and can only tolerate small disturbances (ie, the phone ringing repeatedly) without being pushed into a mild-moderate attack. Takes some pushing to get me to go out.
2 - I seem 'off' to even those close to me. Any repeat small disturbance (including a disturbance that happened days or weeks ago if it caused an attack) will make make the anxiety worse. Nearly 100% likely to have at least a short-term (no more than a few hours) attack at some point during the day. Won't go out unless it is something I enjoy or have no other choice but to do. Have to be careful of my clothing choices as they can cause a claustrophobic type anxiety-attack. Need to be sure to have glucose tablets (to treat hypoglycemia) with me.
3 - Multiple short-term/mild or single moderate (all day) anxiety attack. May even wake up in an anxiety attack even if I was fine the night before. Muscle spasms tend to start at this level. Won't go out for things I enjoy and will only go out for things I absolutely must do but will not go out alone. Will get out of 'outside' clothing and into 'inside' clothing the moment I step in the door if I was out. If out, will wander down every single aisle of a store (OCD) and seem rather aimless or 'lost'. Will yell and be easily frustrated by tasks I am used to doing. Tendency towards insomnia but not always. This level and higher can have attacks with no known trigger.
4 - Constant long term anxiety attack, indederminate amound of time. Little/nothing can be done to stop physiological symptoms even if for short burst can distract myself from the mental anxiety. Any disturbance is like throwing fuel on the fire and only time will let the fire burn down. Highly prone to repetitive or OCD actions (patterns, constantly repeating a game to get it 'perfect', stacking objects). Will not go out or get dressed. If already out will be on the verge of tears or crying, clingly tightly to whoever I am with. Hypoglycemic through the entire attack. Tend to have insomnia more often than not, able to get to sleep but never for more than 30 minutes at a time.
5, type A (adrenaline type) - Full blown major anxiety attack. Crying, panic, terror. High pulse rate, chest pain, muscle spasms. Highly hypoglycemic, blood sugar can drop 30-40 points within 15-30 minutes of onset of the attack and will continue to drop so it becomes an absolute must to get sugars into my system and need help doing so because I'd end up dropping/breaking/spilling things. Insomnia. Will not sleep without the help of heavy sedatives. Unknown period of total insomnia (longest time awake in attack has been 40 hours) as sedatives will be taken sooner or later. Will fall into level 4 after sleeping 10-12 hours.
5, type B (shutdown type) - Full blown major anxiety attack. Initial physical symptoms similar to type A but quickly (an hour or two) will end up asleep for up to 18-20 hours. Will fall into level 4 after waking but for a shorter time than type A. Generally 'out of it' and depressed for several days.
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With that being said, the last few months in particular have seen 'normal' as somewhere between a 1 and 2, or not fully functional without help, with at least three days a week (on average) being a 3 or higher. Grocery day was definetely a level 4 day. Had two level 5 type A attacks (type B is far less common), in the last few months. Starting this blog was definetely an OCD moment/hours.
I feel like I've really wound down from grocery day, and would rate today as a good day somewhere between a 2 and 3. At the same time the thought is also depressing to think that a good day means only feeling like your body just ran a marathon once and knowing I will likely be able to get to sleep without much effort tonight.
******* By the way, yes, I know low blood sugar can cause anxiety but I've figured out the 'chicken or the egg' arguement years ago. Just because my blood sugar drops doesn't mean I'm anxious or having an anxiety attack... but if I am having a major anxiety attack my blood sugar will drop. We've tested this theory before. Test blood sugar and get a normal reading. Do something that will induce an anxiety attack and test blood sugar again and get a low reading.
Stereotypes and female anxiety
Anxiety disorders are predominently female problems (with women twice as likely to be diagnosed with most of the anxiety disorders than men)*. I'm not sure if it is some psychiatric bias or what, as I hate to call the tendency biological, but thats how it is for now at least.
There are many things though I hear, even from other women, about anxiety in general. They are stereotypical and completely incorrect. In general, many of them are used as stereotypes against women as ways to dismiss them.
1. She is only anxious/stressed/bitchy/etc because she is menstrual.
2. It's just PMS/hormones.
3. They're just being over-emotional.
4. She just wants attention.
5. She just needs someone to talk to.
All of them get to me, but that last one really makes me angry because many doctors believe this. I've heard plenty of times that someone with anxiety just needs to talk it out and it will all be better. I'm not dissing going and talking with a psychologist if one feels it helps you, sometimes it does. But if just 'talking it out' really worked as well as everyone says it does, there wouldn't be 40 million adults in the US suffering from some form of anxiety disorder. Trust me, many are pretty damn talkative (myself included).
What major anxiety isn't:
1. It isn't a cry for attention; many times attention makes it worse.
2. It isn't lonliness; though many with anxiety end up lonely because of the disorder.
3. It has little/nothing to do with hormones, menstration, or any other female 'ailment'.
4. It isn't PMS. PMS may be its own disorder (it is officially recognized by the APA, though only around 3-9% of women meet the diagnosis requirements**), but it is temporary, anxiety disorders don't go away.
5. It is not just being emotional, there are physiological aspects as well.
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*Stats and Facts about Anxiety Disorders
**Is PMS real? APA
There are many things though I hear, even from other women, about anxiety in general. They are stereotypical and completely incorrect. In general, many of them are used as stereotypes against women as ways to dismiss them.
1. She is only anxious/stressed/bitchy/etc because she is menstrual.
2. It's just PMS/hormones.
3. They're just being over-emotional.
4. She just wants attention.
5. She just needs someone to talk to.
All of them get to me, but that last one really makes me angry because many doctors believe this. I've heard plenty of times that someone with anxiety just needs to talk it out and it will all be better. I'm not dissing going and talking with a psychologist if one feels it helps you, sometimes it does. But if just 'talking it out' really worked as well as everyone says it does, there wouldn't be 40 million adults in the US suffering from some form of anxiety disorder. Trust me, many are pretty damn talkative (myself included).
What major anxiety isn't:
1. It isn't a cry for attention; many times attention makes it worse.
2. It isn't lonliness; though many with anxiety end up lonely because of the disorder.
3. It has little/nothing to do with hormones, menstration, or any other female 'ailment'.
4. It isn't PMS. PMS may be its own disorder (it is officially recognized by the APA, though only around 3-9% of women meet the diagnosis requirements**), but it is temporary, anxiety disorders don't go away.
5. It is not just being emotional, there are physiological aspects as well.
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*Stats and Facts about Anxiety Disorders
**Is PMS real? APA
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Me as of late
Last spring I was working full-time in a job I've worked in some form or another since spring 2005 and really do enjoy (as a teaching associate at a university), but was getting farther and farther behind on my work with recurrent episodes of severe anxiety and needed assistance to complete it.
Worked minimally over the summer as an attempt to refresh myself but this past fall I worked at 2/3s the work load I did in the spring but still kept getting behind due to even more frequent anxiety attacks.
I am currently working half of what I did this past fall, or only 1/3 of my workload from last spring, and only with the assistance of Loving Hubby and Sweetheart am I able to actually get any work done.
All I have left in my graduate program is my thesis which I know EXACTLY everything I need and want to do inside and out. I've ready thousands of pages of research, gotten feedback from no less than a dozen professors and even though I used to be able to write ANYTHING in total ease, I get an anxiety attack and half the time start crying from the anxiety if someone even mentions it.
Worked minimally over the summer as an attempt to refresh myself but this past fall I worked at 2/3s the work load I did in the spring but still kept getting behind due to even more frequent anxiety attacks.
I am currently working half of what I did this past fall, or only 1/3 of my workload from last spring, and only with the assistance of Loving Hubby and Sweetheart am I able to actually get any work done.
All I have left in my graduate program is my thesis which I know EXACTLY everything I need and want to do inside and out. I've ready thousands of pages of research, gotten feedback from no less than a dozen professors and even though I used to be able to write ANYTHING in total ease, I get an anxiety attack and half the time start crying from the anxiety if someone even mentions it.
Rationalization (part 1)
I keep trying to rationalize my feelings…
“oh, my anxiety is related to ______________”
“I’m just anxious because I am stressed about __________, which is why I’m can’t ______________”
“It’s perfectly normal to be anxious about ___________”
“I’m just working too much, that’s why I’m not getting anything done” (except my work load has become smaller and smaller and I’m still not getting anything done)
It’s just a coping mechanism. I know in the back of my head it is not rational to feel this way about things.
What's worse... is that this 'coping' has kept me from getting any help or even helping myself with it for years.
“oh, my anxiety is related to ______________”
“I’m just anxious because I am stressed about __________, which is why I’m can’t ______________”
“It’s perfectly normal to be anxious about ___________”
“I’m just working too much, that’s why I’m not getting anything done” (except my work load has become smaller and smaller and I’m still not getting anything done)
It’s just a coping mechanism. I know in the back of my head it is not rational to feel this way about things.
What's worse... is that this 'coping' has kept me from getting any help or even helping myself with it for years.
The List (part 1)
Things I know there are no reason for me to get anxious over (things that are totally illogical to get anxious/panicky over):
I shouldn’t get anxious over getting dressed and leaving the apartment.
I shouldn’t be anxious about being in something other than pj’s when in the apartment.
I shouldn’t be anxious about calling people or returning phone calls.
I shouldn't be anxious about looking at emails.
I shouldn’t get anxious when people have questions or need help with something that I know the answer to or can do with little to no effort.
I shouldn’t have a panic attack over the silverware being put away incorrectly… or when the dishwasher isn’t loaded perfectly.
Grocery Stores (archive of 2/13/2009)
I hate grocery stores. Right now I hate most stores but today it was a grocery store.
I was hoping that since it was the middle of the day that the store wouldn't be too crowded, and that we could take our time, pause when needed to let me catch my breath (anxeity litterally takes my breath away... heart racing, dizzy, lightheaded, etc). But I was wrong.
And we REALLY needed to go grocery shopping.
I was doing sorta-kinda ok considering how crowded it was until Loving Hubby* suggested we go out for lunch to a salad bar buffet type place... which would have been fine but we needed to get a lot of frozen food and were already half a football field into the store with a few things already in the cart. Since the affordably priced grocery stroe is 15 miles from home and the salad bar place thingy was across the street, it would have meant leaving the store to go eat, then coming back afterwards.
I felt my body freeze and a flood of anxiety and fear come over me. I tried to calm myself by putting the decision off on someone else, Sweetheart. Unfortunately for my anxiety, Sweetheart is incredibly indecisive and as much as I love her, in relation to my anxiety is her biggest flaw. But I love her and that was in no way blaming her for my anxiety. Back to Loving Hubby. Realizing I'm on the verge of a major attack he tries to play it off, "we don't have to", "whatever you like", "its ok, you are in control of this", etc.
I ended up crying in front of the shredded cheese. Loving Hubby and Sweetheart gave me hugs and at least got me to stop crying, and we continued on like no one had said a thing about eating out.
I had to walk around the corner to the next empty ailse a little later. Loving Hubby while trying to grab some frozen burritos accidently pulled one of the boxes out and burritos went everywhere. I yelled at him for grabbing too many. I feel bad about it cause I know it was an accident, but it was all I could do at the time to keep from completely bolting off in panic.
Other than feeling on the verge of tears most of the rest of the time in the store and either holding on the the edge of Loving Hubby's shirt or holding Sweetheart's arm while walking through, things went relatively uneventfully the rest of the time. If uneventful means feeling as paniced as a lost 4-yo in a store.... I love shopping. I really, really do. But just as with so many other things, even things I really enjoy and want to do give me anxiety attacks.
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*Loving Hubby really, really tries hard to keep me from anxiety attacks. He was thinking 'lets get out of the store now, come back again on a full tummy and hopefully more apt for dealing with the store'. Obviously didn't work out that way :-p
**Sweetheart is my best friend who lives with my loving hubby and I. Without both of them I don't think I could function at all.
I was hoping that since it was the middle of the day that the store wouldn't be too crowded, and that we could take our time, pause when needed to let me catch my breath (anxeity litterally takes my breath away... heart racing, dizzy, lightheaded, etc). But I was wrong.
And we REALLY needed to go grocery shopping.
I was doing sorta-kinda ok considering how crowded it was until Loving Hubby* suggested we go out for lunch to a salad bar buffet type place... which would have been fine but we needed to get a lot of frozen food and were already half a football field into the store with a few things already in the cart. Since the affordably priced grocery stroe is 15 miles from home and the salad bar place thingy was across the street, it would have meant leaving the store to go eat, then coming back afterwards.
I felt my body freeze and a flood of anxiety and fear come over me. I tried to calm myself by putting the decision off on someone else, Sweetheart. Unfortunately for my anxiety, Sweetheart is incredibly indecisive and as much as I love her, in relation to my anxiety is her biggest flaw. But I love her and that was in no way blaming her for my anxiety. Back to Loving Hubby. Realizing I'm on the verge of a major attack he tries to play it off, "we don't have to", "whatever you like", "its ok, you are in control of this", etc.
I ended up crying in front of the shredded cheese. Loving Hubby and Sweetheart gave me hugs and at least got me to stop crying, and we continued on like no one had said a thing about eating out.
I had to walk around the corner to the next empty ailse a little later. Loving Hubby while trying to grab some frozen burritos accidently pulled one of the boxes out and burritos went everywhere. I yelled at him for grabbing too many. I feel bad about it cause I know it was an accident, but it was all I could do at the time to keep from completely bolting off in panic.
Other than feeling on the verge of tears most of the rest of the time in the store and either holding on the the edge of Loving Hubby's shirt or holding Sweetheart's arm while walking through, things went relatively uneventfully the rest of the time. If uneventful means feeling as paniced as a lost 4-yo in a store.... I love shopping. I really, really do. But just as with so many other things, even things I really enjoy and want to do give me anxiety attacks.
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*Loving Hubby really, really tries hard to keep me from anxiety attacks. He was thinking 'lets get out of the store now, come back again on a full tummy and hopefully more apt for dealing with the store'. Obviously didn't work out that way :-p
**Sweetheart is my best friend who lives with my loving hubby and I. Without both of them I don't think I could function at all.
Welcome of Sorts
My first post on this blog. I will be posting older entries from other random blogs of mine up here to keep them all in one spot, along with new blogs as time goes on.
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Welcome to my anxiety hell. I guess that isn't much of a welcome but every time I think I've hit rock bottom in dealing with my anxiety something else comes along and proves me wrong.
For those who haven't experienced an anxiety disorder, it can be really hard to understand the overwhelming feelings that come with it. Everyone with an anxiety disorder experiences their anxiety differently, but there are a few general things that everyone with one of the anxiety disorders shares in common.
1. We know what we get anxious over isn't rational. Yes, we can always find reasons and ways to rationalize it as a coping mechanism, but at least for anyone who has come to terms with their anxiety, they know there is no logical reason to feel this way.
2. Telling someone with an anxiety disorder to just 'relax' is like telling a locomotive to just 'stop'. It isn't going to happen and trust me, if all we needed to do was just relax, life would be bliss.
3. Forcing someone with an anxiety disorder to just 'face their fears' and 'just do it' can not only be uncomfortable on good days, but on bad days can be wholly traumatic.
4. There aren't a lot of good options for medications to help with anxiety, as many of them are under the 'depressant' category, ie, the turn you into a zombie category. The same category with warnings to not drive or operate heavy machinery. It leaves us with the choice of living in an anxiety hell, having attacks that can be fleeting or last days and even weeks at a time and spending our life trying to avoid anything that might possibly trigger an attack, or living in a drugged hell were we might as well not know what is going on.
For me personally, this blog is a way to try and cope. And to admit that it isn't just stress or school or work that causes my anxiety. I've known for years I get anxious easily, ever since puberty I'd have mild attacks but always felt I had some way to rationalize it. As the years went on I'd get more and more anxious over things and found ways to rationalize it and cope.
For example, Email and the Internet for the longest time was my savior, as one of my triggers is talking on the phone, even with people I know well. As the years went on, I found ways to avoid this trigger. I'd not answer the phone while in the office unless the caller ID said it was either one of the other editors or my husband, everything would go to voicemail. I'd check the voicemail later and call people back at my leisure. But it evolved into I'd check the messages and push off the responsibility to return calls to other people. Then I wouldn't even check the messages myself anymore. My anxiety was getting progressively worse over the years, but I was still at the point I could function. I'd email people and they'd email me back. Then I'd start to get anxious over seeing emails in the inbox and opening them became a nightmare. I'd put my hand over the screen and look away as I clicked on the email, and often would keep my hand up there to read it line by line so as not to be overwhelmed by the entire email. Then I'd go days without checking my email. Now there are days when just thinking about email even if I know there isn't going to be anything other than junk mail in it, gives me a full blown anxiety attack.
I have many other 'triggers', which I will post a running list of things I know are triggers for me, and just as many other times that I've ended up in an anxiety attack and not known anything to have caused it; it just happened. When I peel back all the layers, all the normal stressors that everyone experiences, take away any out of the ordinary circumstances that would cause anyone to flip out (and there have been some), and just really look at myself...
I finally asked myself "Even if there wasn't this, that and the other... how would you feel?"
My answer.... "ANXIOUS"
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Welcome to my anxiety hell. I guess that isn't much of a welcome but every time I think I've hit rock bottom in dealing with my anxiety something else comes along and proves me wrong.
For those who haven't experienced an anxiety disorder, it can be really hard to understand the overwhelming feelings that come with it. Everyone with an anxiety disorder experiences their anxiety differently, but there are a few general things that everyone with one of the anxiety disorders shares in common.
1. We know what we get anxious over isn't rational. Yes, we can always find reasons and ways to rationalize it as a coping mechanism, but at least for anyone who has come to terms with their anxiety, they know there is no logical reason to feel this way.
2. Telling someone with an anxiety disorder to just 'relax' is like telling a locomotive to just 'stop'. It isn't going to happen and trust me, if all we needed to do was just relax, life would be bliss.
3. Forcing someone with an anxiety disorder to just 'face their fears' and 'just do it' can not only be uncomfortable on good days, but on bad days can be wholly traumatic.
4. There aren't a lot of good options for medications to help with anxiety, as many of them are under the 'depressant' category, ie, the turn you into a zombie category. The same category with warnings to not drive or operate heavy machinery. It leaves us with the choice of living in an anxiety hell, having attacks that can be fleeting or last days and even weeks at a time and spending our life trying to avoid anything that might possibly trigger an attack, or living in a drugged hell were we might as well not know what is going on.
For me personally, this blog is a way to try and cope. And to admit that it isn't just stress or school or work that causes my anxiety. I've known for years I get anxious easily, ever since puberty I'd have mild attacks but always felt I had some way to rationalize it. As the years went on I'd get more and more anxious over things and found ways to rationalize it and cope.
For example, Email and the Internet for the longest time was my savior, as one of my triggers is talking on the phone, even with people I know well. As the years went on, I found ways to avoid this trigger. I'd not answer the phone while in the office unless the caller ID said it was either one of the other editors or my husband, everything would go to voicemail. I'd check the voicemail later and call people back at my leisure. But it evolved into I'd check the messages and push off the responsibility to return calls to other people. Then I wouldn't even check the messages myself anymore. My anxiety was getting progressively worse over the years, but I was still at the point I could function. I'd email people and they'd email me back. Then I'd start to get anxious over seeing emails in the inbox and opening them became a nightmare. I'd put my hand over the screen and look away as I clicked on the email, and often would keep my hand up there to read it line by line so as not to be overwhelmed by the entire email. Then I'd go days without checking my email. Now there are days when just thinking about email even if I know there isn't going to be anything other than junk mail in it, gives me a full blown anxiety attack.
I have many other 'triggers', which I will post a running list of things I know are triggers for me, and just as many other times that I've ended up in an anxiety attack and not known anything to have caused it; it just happened. When I peel back all the layers, all the normal stressors that everyone experiences, take away any out of the ordinary circumstances that would cause anyone to flip out (and there have been some), and just really look at myself...
I finally asked myself "Even if there wasn't this, that and the other... how would you feel?"
My answer.... "ANXIOUS"
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