Medication

As I was starting to go quite insane from the lack of sleep, went to the doctor a week ago Tuesday to discuss the lack of sleep/anxiety. He wanted me to try zoloft but worried that I might have a reaction to it since I've had issues with other medications of similar types, wanted to start me on an uber-small dosage.

So he started me on 1/2 a 25mg tablet a few hours before bed for a week. I didn't notice any difference but we really didn't expect much as a normal adult dosage is 50-100mg. Just looking for any side effects.

Didn't have any really (or at least that I connected to it). Kinda lost my appetite but after weeks of so little sleep, I really wasn't surprised by that.

Went up to 25mg this Tuesday after seeing the doc again. I actually got about 4 hours of sleep both Tuesday and Wednesday night AND actually hit rem sleep. I feel better in that sense but now its no longer just lack of appetite (in which I'd still eat just wasn't hungry), but food just sounds bad now. Just came back from dinner with my mom and brothers (it is my youngest brother's birthday), Loving hubby and Sweetheart. I ate maybe a 1/3 of what was on my plate and got the rest to go. And its a meal I normally would have been able to finish just fine. Now we are expected to go over to my aunt's house for cake/ice cream which I am sure I'm going to be expected to have some. Sounds disgusting right now.

I also have this weird headache which I had lightly on Sun/Mon but now is irritating to say the least. Its in the back of my head and radiates down into my neck and back of my jaw. Like the muscles are super tight and irritated. I'm supposed to call the doctor tomorrow and discuss the dosage and possibly going up to 37.5mg for the weekend to try for more sleep, but I think I'm going to stay at 25mg for a while. Lots of stuff I've read said most of the more annoying side effects go away after 2 weeks but being I was on such a low dose I want to give it a little more time.

As far as helping with the anxiety? Mentally... eh. At this point I think just getting the little bit more sleep I've gotten the last two nights has made somewhat of a difference. I feel kinda locked into a '2' on my scale; no real ups or downs which I suppose is good. But it doesn't necessarily feel right either. More like a fog slowing my anxiety down versus actually stopping it. Hard to explain. I don't like how my anxiety ups/downs make me feel, but I am not entirely sure I like how this feels.
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PS. Because after telling some people about being on Zoloft and the 'oh! it isn't making you feel suicidal is it?' I felt I needed to post this disclaimer. No, I am not feeling suicidal nor have I ever. Damn stereotypes.

Insomnia

Right now I get the feeling that if I could actually sleep for more than 10-15 minute blips in a four hour period I could actually function today.

The insomnia is just not relenting this time. I laid in bed awake most of the night... totalled about an hour of sleep. I even reset the alarm for later to try and get some more sleep.

Looking at me after I finally decided to forget laying in bed and trying to get something done, Loving Hubby said "I can feel your brain short circuit from here." Somehow his attempts at humor this morning did not amuse me... I give him credit for trying, but I've gotten all of 35 hours of sleep in the last two weeks... or averaging 2.5 hours of sleep a night.

I have another doctors appointment tomorrow. If I don't go insane before then...

Headache and Sleep

I have a raging headache right now, and not a normal one either. It's this weird pressure type headache and the only thing I can compare it to is a hangover headache (and no, I haven't been drinking nor have I had any alcohol in quite some time).

I think it is an anxiety attack hangover. I've been so riled up since Wednesday. Crashed (sorta) at 930pm yesterday and didn't get out of bed until 1130 this morning, and I only ended up getting up then because my bladder wouldn't let me stay in bed any longer. That's not all to say I actually slept... I had two solid hours between 5am-7am, but otherwise it was sleeping for 15-20 minutes, wake up, see the clock thinking its hours later only to be disappointed. I guess it is better than getting no sleep at all, but just the thought of doing anything today other than laying around and trying to daydream my way into some decent sleep sounds like hell.

To many it sounds counterproductive, to be thinking about things when trying to sleep... but really it is my only way I can ever get to sleep. If I don't try to concentrate on something enjoyable or 'daydreamish' my mind ends up wandering to things that set off my anxiety and then all the daydreams in the world won't help me sleep. At times I find it the most despicable coping mechanism, as I am basically creating in my mind a fantasy world in hopes that it helps me sleep. I know it sounds harmless, but I shouldn't have to resort to it... and I worry (though oddly the worry doesnt cause any anxiety) that when I have really bad days that I'd use it during the day while I am awake to cope, and I don't want to live in a fantasy land.