Once I came to the realization that this anxiety was not normal I tried to peice together when I first started being anxious about things, whether they were 'normal' anxieties or not.
I kept coming to the conclusion that it was about the time I hit puberty. It was when I first starting actively using coping mechanisms to get through some days... but then Loving Hubby mentioned something he's mentioned before, but for some reason it was only now that I really thought about it.
I grind me teeth at night. And I have since I first started school. For a while in first or second grade, I can't remember for sure which, I even had a night guard retainer to help keep me from grinding or at least if I did, protect my teeth.... by the way, I chewed through it.
I was always shy and nervous in school, espeacilly when I was younger. I was always the shortest in my classes. I remember getting made fun of in first grade because I had afternoon reading, which was for the second graders. At my school we had the early schedule where kids came at 7 and left at 2 and the late schedule where kids came at 8 and left at 3. The point was to allow the teacher to pick a subject where she felt the students were fairly split on, the more advanced versus the less advanced, and use the hour to give the kids more attention. Long story short, the more advanced kids didn't have to be bored doing the same thing as the less advanced kids and the less advanced kids got the extra help they needed to keep up. I was in a split class, half 1st/half 2nd grade and reading was the subject that the teacher's chose to split. I was a first grader but was on the schedule of the 2nd graders.... lets just say the other kids suck and leave it at that.
But more onto the topic, I really didn't like going to school. I was bored, I didn't fit in and I absolutely H-A-T-E-D being the center of attention. I'd never tell my parents about those elementary school concerts so I didn't have to be on stage. The thought of being on stage made me sick. The more I think about it, the more I see I've always had anxiety, it's just gotten worse over time.
I think what kept me from labeling what I felt when I was younger as anxiety was that in junior high and high school I was in choir and thus was constantly on stage. I had a hard time with it in junior high and pushed myself through it, but the summer before I started 9th grade I decided that being 'me' wasn't working. I was too shy, nervous and didn't feel like I had control over anything. So I created a nickname for myself that I would insist everyone at school use, and tried it out while at camp that summer. Someone who was me but wasn't. Someone bolder who didn't know what anxiety was.
Happily or sadly, it worked. I went through high school like that. Yes, there where times when anxiety kept me from doing things. The anxiety created by my swimming coach (there are very few people I've met that I can truley label as I hate, she is one of them) kept me from continuing swim team the next year (and injuries after that).
Something that always stuck with me, was my counselor at the high school who I really did like. She said that one of the reasons she liked me was how even when stressed I could remain calm and not care what anyone thought (this was said on a day I wore maroon sweats to school... not cute ones, like Hanes brand sweats). All I could think of then was what a lie it all felt like.
Showing posts with label list. Show all posts
Showing posts with label list. Show all posts
Saturday, February 21, 2009
Monday, February 16, 2009
Good Day - Anxiety Scale
I have a scale I rate my anxiety level on.
0 - base level, or how I've come to feel what normal for me is. I am still anxious, but it would take something out of the ordinary stressful to send me into an anxiety attack. This is a functional level. I can interact with my close friends and family without a problem. I can 'fake' being fine though 'faking it' can often push me into more anxiety. Pretty easy to get me to go out.
1 - am visibly 'disturbed' to people unfamiliar with me but generally won't interact with those I don't know well (ie, hand tremors, bouncy leg), though close friends and family don't tend to notice or don't say anything. Need to stick to the very familiar and can only tolerate small disturbances (ie, the phone ringing repeatedly) without being pushed into a mild-moderate attack. Takes some pushing to get me to go out.
2 - I seem 'off' to even those close to me. Any repeat small disturbance (including a disturbance that happened days or weeks ago if it caused an attack) will make make the anxiety worse. Nearly 100% likely to have at least a short-term (no more than a few hours) attack at some point during the day. Won't go out unless it is something I enjoy or have no other choice but to do. Have to be careful of my clothing choices as they can cause a claustrophobic type anxiety-attack. Need to be sure to have glucose tablets (to treat hypoglycemia) with me.
3 - Multiple short-term/mild or single moderate (all day) anxiety attack. May even wake up in an anxiety attack even if I was fine the night before. Muscle spasms tend to start at this level. Won't go out for things I enjoy and will only go out for things I absolutely must do but will not go out alone. Will get out of 'outside' clothing and into 'inside' clothing the moment I step in the door if I was out. If out, will wander down every single aisle of a store (OCD) and seem rather aimless or 'lost'. Will yell and be easily frustrated by tasks I am used to doing. Tendency towards insomnia but not always. This level and higher can have attacks with no known trigger.
4 - Constant long term anxiety attack, indederminate amound of time. Little/nothing can be done to stop physiological symptoms even if for short burst can distract myself from the mental anxiety. Any disturbance is like throwing fuel on the fire and only time will let the fire burn down. Highly prone to repetitive or OCD actions (patterns, constantly repeating a game to get it 'perfect', stacking objects). Will not go out or get dressed. If already out will be on the verge of tears or crying, clingly tightly to whoever I am with. Hypoglycemic through the entire attack. Tend to have insomnia more often than not, able to get to sleep but never for more than 30 minutes at a time.
5, type A (adrenaline type) - Full blown major anxiety attack. Crying, panic, terror. High pulse rate, chest pain, muscle spasms. Highly hypoglycemic, blood sugar can drop 30-40 points within 15-30 minutes of onset of the attack and will continue to drop so it becomes an absolute must to get sugars into my system and need help doing so because I'd end up dropping/breaking/spilling things. Insomnia. Will not sleep without the help of heavy sedatives. Unknown period of total insomnia (longest time awake in attack has been 40 hours) as sedatives will be taken sooner or later. Will fall into level 4 after sleeping 10-12 hours.
5, type B (shutdown type) - Full blown major anxiety attack. Initial physical symptoms similar to type A but quickly (an hour or two) will end up asleep for up to 18-20 hours. Will fall into level 4 after waking but for a shorter time than type A. Generally 'out of it' and depressed for several days.
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With that being said, the last few months in particular have seen 'normal' as somewhere between a 1 and 2, or not fully functional without help, with at least three days a week (on average) being a 3 or higher. Grocery day was definetely a level 4 day. Had two level 5 type A attacks (type B is far less common), in the last few months. Starting this blog was definetely an OCD moment/hours.
I feel like I've really wound down from grocery day, and would rate today as a good day somewhere between a 2 and 3. At the same time the thought is also depressing to think that a good day means only feeling like your body just ran a marathon once and knowing I will likely be able to get to sleep without much effort tonight.
******* By the way, yes, I know low blood sugar can cause anxiety but I've figured out the 'chicken or the egg' arguement years ago. Just because my blood sugar drops doesn't mean I'm anxious or having an anxiety attack... but if I am having a major anxiety attack my blood sugar will drop. We've tested this theory before. Test blood sugar and get a normal reading. Do something that will induce an anxiety attack and test blood sugar again and get a low reading.
0 - base level, or how I've come to feel what normal for me is. I am still anxious, but it would take something out of the ordinary stressful to send me into an anxiety attack. This is a functional level. I can interact with my close friends and family without a problem. I can 'fake' being fine though 'faking it' can often push me into more anxiety. Pretty easy to get me to go out.
1 - am visibly 'disturbed' to people unfamiliar with me but generally won't interact with those I don't know well (ie, hand tremors, bouncy leg), though close friends and family don't tend to notice or don't say anything. Need to stick to the very familiar and can only tolerate small disturbances (ie, the phone ringing repeatedly) without being pushed into a mild-moderate attack. Takes some pushing to get me to go out.
2 - I seem 'off' to even those close to me. Any repeat small disturbance (including a disturbance that happened days or weeks ago if it caused an attack) will make make the anxiety worse. Nearly 100% likely to have at least a short-term (no more than a few hours) attack at some point during the day. Won't go out unless it is something I enjoy or have no other choice but to do. Have to be careful of my clothing choices as they can cause a claustrophobic type anxiety-attack. Need to be sure to have glucose tablets (to treat hypoglycemia) with me.
3 - Multiple short-term/mild or single moderate (all day) anxiety attack. May even wake up in an anxiety attack even if I was fine the night before. Muscle spasms tend to start at this level. Won't go out for things I enjoy and will only go out for things I absolutely must do but will not go out alone. Will get out of 'outside' clothing and into 'inside' clothing the moment I step in the door if I was out. If out, will wander down every single aisle of a store (OCD) and seem rather aimless or 'lost'. Will yell and be easily frustrated by tasks I am used to doing. Tendency towards insomnia but not always. This level and higher can have attacks with no known trigger.
4 - Constant long term anxiety attack, indederminate amound of time. Little/nothing can be done to stop physiological symptoms even if for short burst can distract myself from the mental anxiety. Any disturbance is like throwing fuel on the fire and only time will let the fire burn down. Highly prone to repetitive or OCD actions (patterns, constantly repeating a game to get it 'perfect', stacking objects). Will not go out or get dressed. If already out will be on the verge of tears or crying, clingly tightly to whoever I am with. Hypoglycemic through the entire attack. Tend to have insomnia more often than not, able to get to sleep but never for more than 30 minutes at a time.
5, type A (adrenaline type) - Full blown major anxiety attack. Crying, panic, terror. High pulse rate, chest pain, muscle spasms. Highly hypoglycemic, blood sugar can drop 30-40 points within 15-30 minutes of onset of the attack and will continue to drop so it becomes an absolute must to get sugars into my system and need help doing so because I'd end up dropping/breaking/spilling things. Insomnia. Will not sleep without the help of heavy sedatives. Unknown period of total insomnia (longest time awake in attack has been 40 hours) as sedatives will be taken sooner or later. Will fall into level 4 after sleeping 10-12 hours.
5, type B (shutdown type) - Full blown major anxiety attack. Initial physical symptoms similar to type A but quickly (an hour or two) will end up asleep for up to 18-20 hours. Will fall into level 4 after waking but for a shorter time than type A. Generally 'out of it' and depressed for several days.
------------
With that being said, the last few months in particular have seen 'normal' as somewhere between a 1 and 2, or not fully functional without help, with at least three days a week (on average) being a 3 or higher. Grocery day was definetely a level 4 day. Had two level 5 type A attacks (type B is far less common), in the last few months. Starting this blog was definetely an OCD moment/hours.
I feel like I've really wound down from grocery day, and would rate today as a good day somewhere between a 2 and 3. At the same time the thought is also depressing to think that a good day means only feeling like your body just ran a marathon once and knowing I will likely be able to get to sleep without much effort tonight.
******* By the way, yes, I know low blood sugar can cause anxiety but I've figured out the 'chicken or the egg' arguement years ago. Just because my blood sugar drops doesn't mean I'm anxious or having an anxiety attack... but if I am having a major anxiety attack my blood sugar will drop. We've tested this theory before. Test blood sugar and get a normal reading. Do something that will induce an anxiety attack and test blood sugar again and get a low reading.
Stereotypes and female anxiety
Anxiety disorders are predominently female problems (with women twice as likely to be diagnosed with most of the anxiety disorders than men)*. I'm not sure if it is some psychiatric bias or what, as I hate to call the tendency biological, but thats how it is for now at least.
There are many things though I hear, even from other women, about anxiety in general. They are stereotypical and completely incorrect. In general, many of them are used as stereotypes against women as ways to dismiss them.
1. She is only anxious/stressed/bitchy/etc because she is menstrual.
2. It's just PMS/hormones.
3. They're just being over-emotional.
4. She just wants attention.
5. She just needs someone to talk to.
All of them get to me, but that last one really makes me angry because many doctors believe this. I've heard plenty of times that someone with anxiety just needs to talk it out and it will all be better. I'm not dissing going and talking with a psychologist if one feels it helps you, sometimes it does. But if just 'talking it out' really worked as well as everyone says it does, there wouldn't be 40 million adults in the US suffering from some form of anxiety disorder. Trust me, many are pretty damn talkative (myself included).
What major anxiety isn't:
1. It isn't a cry for attention; many times attention makes it worse.
2. It isn't lonliness; though many with anxiety end up lonely because of the disorder.
3. It has little/nothing to do with hormones, menstration, or any other female 'ailment'.
4. It isn't PMS. PMS may be its own disorder (it is officially recognized by the APA, though only around 3-9% of women meet the diagnosis requirements**), but it is temporary, anxiety disorders don't go away.
5. It is not just being emotional, there are physiological aspects as well.
-------------
*Stats and Facts about Anxiety Disorders
**Is PMS real? APA
There are many things though I hear, even from other women, about anxiety in general. They are stereotypical and completely incorrect. In general, many of them are used as stereotypes against women as ways to dismiss them.
1. She is only anxious/stressed/bitchy/etc because she is menstrual.
2. It's just PMS/hormones.
3. They're just being over-emotional.
4. She just wants attention.
5. She just needs someone to talk to.
All of them get to me, but that last one really makes me angry because many doctors believe this. I've heard plenty of times that someone with anxiety just needs to talk it out and it will all be better. I'm not dissing going and talking with a psychologist if one feels it helps you, sometimes it does. But if just 'talking it out' really worked as well as everyone says it does, there wouldn't be 40 million adults in the US suffering from some form of anxiety disorder. Trust me, many are pretty damn talkative (myself included).
What major anxiety isn't:
1. It isn't a cry for attention; many times attention makes it worse.
2. It isn't lonliness; though many with anxiety end up lonely because of the disorder.
3. It has little/nothing to do with hormones, menstration, or any other female 'ailment'.
4. It isn't PMS. PMS may be its own disorder (it is officially recognized by the APA, though only around 3-9% of women meet the diagnosis requirements**), but it is temporary, anxiety disorders don't go away.
5. It is not just being emotional, there are physiological aspects as well.
-------------
*Stats and Facts about Anxiety Disorders
**Is PMS real? APA
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Rationalization (part 1)
I keep trying to rationalize my feelings…
“oh, my anxiety is related to ______________”
“I’m just anxious because I am stressed about __________, which is why I’m can’t ______________”
“It’s perfectly normal to be anxious about ___________”
“I’m just working too much, that’s why I’m not getting anything done” (except my work load has become smaller and smaller and I’m still not getting anything done)
It’s just a coping mechanism. I know in the back of my head it is not rational to feel this way about things.
What's worse... is that this 'coping' has kept me from getting any help or even helping myself with it for years.
“oh, my anxiety is related to ______________”
“I’m just anxious because I am stressed about __________, which is why I’m can’t ______________”
“It’s perfectly normal to be anxious about ___________”
“I’m just working too much, that’s why I’m not getting anything done” (except my work load has become smaller and smaller and I’m still not getting anything done)
It’s just a coping mechanism. I know in the back of my head it is not rational to feel this way about things.
What's worse... is that this 'coping' has kept me from getting any help or even helping myself with it for years.
The List (part 1)
Things I know there are no reason for me to get anxious over (things that are totally illogical to get anxious/panicky over):
I shouldn’t get anxious over getting dressed and leaving the apartment.
I shouldn’t be anxious about being in something other than pj’s when in the apartment.
I shouldn’t be anxious about calling people or returning phone calls.
I shouldn't be anxious about looking at emails.
I shouldn’t get anxious when people have questions or need help with something that I know the answer to or can do with little to no effort.
I shouldn’t have a panic attack over the silverware being put away incorrectly… or when the dishwasher isn’t loaded perfectly.
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