*cringe*

It is raining out. And I have to work today. It should be an easy day for me at least, since it is just sitting and watching more presentations and I know I will be fine if I can just get myself out of the damn apartment... and not float off into my own little world.

The extremes of the anxiety the last few weeks left me rather shut down yesterday afternoon and evening. I took a nap from about 4 to 630pm after coming home from the pet store, even though I didn't get out of bed until after noon yesterday. Then I went to bed at 11pm and didn't get up until about 40 minutes ago. Not that I even really napped or slept at all...

No, I was fucking day dreaming. I didn't really do anything yesterday. Other than the rain which I just plainly don't like more than it gives me anxiety, I felt generally fine. But my mind still kept wandering and before I realized it my mind was off in its own little fantasy land for pretty much the rest of the day and night. I know I was just coming down from all the stress of the anxiety, but keeping my mind off these daydreams once they start going is nearly as maddening.

I want to feel as relaxed as I am in the daydreams in reality.... which is kinda odd considering I am still a nervous person in the daydreams, I just either handle it better or everyone else does.

Headache and Sleep

I have a raging headache right now, and not a normal one either. It's this weird pressure type headache and the only thing I can compare it to is a hangover headache (and no, I haven't been drinking nor have I had any alcohol in quite some time).

I think it is an anxiety attack hangover. I've been so riled up since Wednesday. Crashed (sorta) at 930pm yesterday and didn't get out of bed until 1130 this morning, and I only ended up getting up then because my bladder wouldn't let me stay in bed any longer. That's not all to say I actually slept... I had two solid hours between 5am-7am, but otherwise it was sleeping for 15-20 minutes, wake up, see the clock thinking its hours later only to be disappointed. I guess it is better than getting no sleep at all, but just the thought of doing anything today other than laying around and trying to daydream my way into some decent sleep sounds like hell.

To many it sounds counterproductive, to be thinking about things when trying to sleep... but really it is my only way I can ever get to sleep. If I don't try to concentrate on something enjoyable or 'daydreamish' my mind ends up wandering to things that set off my anxiety and then all the daydreams in the world won't help me sleep. At times I find it the most despicable coping mechanism, as I am basically creating in my mind a fantasy world in hopes that it helps me sleep. I know it sounds harmless, but I shouldn't have to resort to it... and I worry (though oddly the worry doesnt cause any anxiety) that when I have really bad days that I'd use it during the day while I am awake to cope, and I don't want to live in a fantasy land.