More appointments and stuff

I have another doctors appointment this afternoon that I have to leave to in about 20 minutes so I'll have to squeeze this post in.

Staring at the ceiling in bed about a week ago I started to think about the holidays... specifically the time between Thanksgiving and Christmas. I started with Thanksgiving, thinking about we had gone to my Grandmother's house and the food. But then I realized what I was remembering was Thanksgiving the year before. As much as I tried, I couldn't remember an actual memory from this Thanksgiving. I mean, I knew what went on that day because I know what was supposed to go on that day. But actual memories, no.

I thought about it some more and realized, other than a few blips here and there, I know what went on because of what was supposed to go on, but I really don't remember anything between Thanksgiving and just before Christmas for this past season. I know it was the height of my stress (and ended in culmination with 40 hours of no sleep, a near psychotic break, a trip to the psychologist last minute before the office closed for the holidays and a subsequent visit to the doctor who prescribed sleeping pills for the time being). It was one, long, continuous anxiety attack. I can't imagine what would have happened if what triggered the 'finale' of insomnia, if one would call it that, hadn't happened. Would I have continued loosing time?

Anyway, I am up to 50mg of the Zoloft stuff a day. I dunno. Its not really having any affect on my anxiety and I don't notice any differences in sleep between the 25 and 50mg dosages. I'm sure he'll put me up to 75mg or even 100mg today. My muscles feel tight and tingly which I don't know to attribute to the Zoloft or just to my history of muscle spasms. My appetite has taken a nose dive and I've lost 6 lbs since being on it. I'm more aware of my heart racing when before I knew it was but I was more preoccupied with what was happening in my head... now I realize both.

I woke up about 6am the day after going up to the 50mg in a major attack. I felt terrified for no reason and I felt like I wanted to scream. I didn't. I laid in bed for an hour feeling awful. I knew if I screamed it wouldn't help and would just end up freaking my Loving Hubby and Sweetheart out. About 7am I knew my heart racing so long coupled with I hadn't eaten since 6pm the evening before that my blood sugar was low. It took me another 30 minutes to muster enough mental strength to move through the panic and get up to get something to eat.

At least once a day since mid-November I've had anxiety severe enough to call it a panic attack, though of varying degrees. I want to file for disability... but I can't muster enough non-anxiety to even broach it with my doctor.

Medication

As I was starting to go quite insane from the lack of sleep, went to the doctor a week ago Tuesday to discuss the lack of sleep/anxiety. He wanted me to try zoloft but worried that I might have a reaction to it since I've had issues with other medications of similar types, wanted to start me on an uber-small dosage.

So he started me on 1/2 a 25mg tablet a few hours before bed for a week. I didn't notice any difference but we really didn't expect much as a normal adult dosage is 50-100mg. Just looking for any side effects.

Didn't have any really (or at least that I connected to it). Kinda lost my appetite but after weeks of so little sleep, I really wasn't surprised by that.

Went up to 25mg this Tuesday after seeing the doc again. I actually got about 4 hours of sleep both Tuesday and Wednesday night AND actually hit rem sleep. I feel better in that sense but now its no longer just lack of appetite (in which I'd still eat just wasn't hungry), but food just sounds bad now. Just came back from dinner with my mom and brothers (it is my youngest brother's birthday), Loving hubby and Sweetheart. I ate maybe a 1/3 of what was on my plate and got the rest to go. And its a meal I normally would have been able to finish just fine. Now we are expected to go over to my aunt's house for cake/ice cream which I am sure I'm going to be expected to have some. Sounds disgusting right now.

I also have this weird headache which I had lightly on Sun/Mon but now is irritating to say the least. Its in the back of my head and radiates down into my neck and back of my jaw. Like the muscles are super tight and irritated. I'm supposed to call the doctor tomorrow and discuss the dosage and possibly going up to 37.5mg for the weekend to try for more sleep, but I think I'm going to stay at 25mg for a while. Lots of stuff I've read said most of the more annoying side effects go away after 2 weeks but being I was on such a low dose I want to give it a little more time.

As far as helping with the anxiety? Mentally... eh. At this point I think just getting the little bit more sleep I've gotten the last two nights has made somewhat of a difference. I feel kinda locked into a '2' on my scale; no real ups or downs which I suppose is good. But it doesn't necessarily feel right either. More like a fog slowing my anxiety down versus actually stopping it. Hard to explain. I don't like how my anxiety ups/downs make me feel, but I am not entirely sure I like how this feels.
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PS. Because after telling some people about being on Zoloft and the 'oh! it isn't making you feel suicidal is it?' I felt I needed to post this disclaimer. No, I am not feeling suicidal nor have I ever. Damn stereotypes.

Insomnia

Right now I get the feeling that if I could actually sleep for more than 10-15 minute blips in a four hour period I could actually function today.

The insomnia is just not relenting this time. I laid in bed awake most of the night... totalled about an hour of sleep. I even reset the alarm for later to try and get some more sleep.

Looking at me after I finally decided to forget laying in bed and trying to get something done, Loving Hubby said "I can feel your brain short circuit from here." Somehow his attempts at humor this morning did not amuse me... I give him credit for trying, but I've gotten all of 35 hours of sleep in the last two weeks... or averaging 2.5 hours of sleep a night.

I have another doctors appointment tomorrow. If I don't go insane before then...

*cringe*

It is raining out. And I have to work today. It should be an easy day for me at least, since it is just sitting and watching more presentations and I know I will be fine if I can just get myself out of the damn apartment... and not float off into my own little world.

The extremes of the anxiety the last few weeks left me rather shut down yesterday afternoon and evening. I took a nap from about 4 to 630pm after coming home from the pet store, even though I didn't get out of bed until after noon yesterday. Then I went to bed at 11pm and didn't get up until about 40 minutes ago. Not that I even really napped or slept at all...

No, I was fucking day dreaming. I didn't really do anything yesterday. Other than the rain which I just plainly don't like more than it gives me anxiety, I felt generally fine. But my mind still kept wandering and before I realized it my mind was off in its own little fantasy land for pretty much the rest of the day and night. I know I was just coming down from all the stress of the anxiety, but keeping my mind off these daydreams once they start going is nearly as maddening.

I want to feel as relaxed as I am in the daydreams in reality.... which is kinda odd considering I am still a nervous person in the daydreams, I just either handle it better or everyone else does.

Headache and Sleep

I have a raging headache right now, and not a normal one either. It's this weird pressure type headache and the only thing I can compare it to is a hangover headache (and no, I haven't been drinking nor have I had any alcohol in quite some time).

I think it is an anxiety attack hangover. I've been so riled up since Wednesday. Crashed (sorta) at 930pm yesterday and didn't get out of bed until 1130 this morning, and I only ended up getting up then because my bladder wouldn't let me stay in bed any longer. That's not all to say I actually slept... I had two solid hours between 5am-7am, but otherwise it was sleeping for 15-20 minutes, wake up, see the clock thinking its hours later only to be disappointed. I guess it is better than getting no sleep at all, but just the thought of doing anything today other than laying around and trying to daydream my way into some decent sleep sounds like hell.

To many it sounds counterproductive, to be thinking about things when trying to sleep... but really it is my only way I can ever get to sleep. If I don't try to concentrate on something enjoyable or 'daydreamish' my mind ends up wandering to things that set off my anxiety and then all the daydreams in the world won't help me sleep. At times I find it the most despicable coping mechanism, as I am basically creating in my mind a fantasy world in hopes that it helps me sleep. I know it sounds harmless, but I shouldn't have to resort to it... and I worry (though oddly the worry doesnt cause any anxiety) that when I have really bad days that I'd use it during the day while I am awake to cope, and I don't want to live in a fantasy land.