Things that I should have pieced together (original to 1/22/2009)

Once I came to the realization that this anxiety was not normal I tried to peice together when I first started being anxious about things, whether they were 'normal' anxieties or not.

I kept coming to the conclusion that it was about the time I hit puberty. It was when I first starting actively using coping mechanisms to get through some days... but then Loving Hubby mentioned something he's mentioned before, but for some reason it was only now that I really thought about it.

I grind me teeth at night. And I have since I first started school. For a while in first or second grade, I can't remember for sure which, I even had a night guard retainer to help keep me from grinding or at least if I did, protect my teeth.... by the way, I chewed through it.

I was always shy and nervous in school, espeacilly when I was younger. I was always the shortest in my classes. I remember getting made fun of in first grade because I had afternoon reading, which was for the second graders. At my school we had the early schedule where kids came at 7 and left at 2 and the late schedule where kids came at 8 and left at 3. The point was to allow the teacher to pick a subject where she felt the students were fairly split on, the more advanced versus the less advanced, and use the hour to give the kids more attention. Long story short, the more advanced kids didn't have to be bored doing the same thing as the less advanced kids and the less advanced kids got the extra help they needed to keep up. I was in a split class, half 1st/half 2nd grade and reading was the subject that the teacher's chose to split. I was a first grader but was on the schedule of the 2nd graders.... lets just say the other kids suck and leave it at that.

But more onto the topic, I really didn't like going to school. I was bored, I didn't fit in and I absolutely H-A-T-E-D being the center of attention. I'd never tell my parents about those elementary school concerts so I didn't have to be on stage. The thought of being on stage made me sick. The more I think about it, the more I see I've always had anxiety, it's just gotten worse over time.

I think what kept me from labeling what I felt when I was younger as anxiety was that in junior high and high school I was in choir and thus was constantly on stage. I had a hard time with it in junior high and pushed myself through it, but the summer before I started 9th grade I decided that being 'me' wasn't working. I was too shy, nervous and didn't feel like I had control over anything. So I created a nickname for myself that I would insist everyone at school use, and tried it out while at camp that summer. Someone who was me but wasn't. Someone bolder who didn't know what anxiety was.

Happily or sadly, it worked. I went through high school like that. Yes, there where times when anxiety kept me from doing things. The anxiety created by my swimming coach (there are very few people I've met that I can truley label as I hate, she is one of them) kept me from continuing swim team the next year (and injuries after that).

Something that always stuck with me, was my counselor at the high school who I really did like. She said that one of the reasons she liked me was how even when stressed I could remain calm and not care what anyone thought (this was said on a day I wore maroon sweats to school... not cute ones, like Hanes brand sweats). All I could think of then was what a lie it all felt like.

Sick (original to 1/2/2009)

Why is it that when I am sick my anxiety is totally manageable? Despite being sick with a nasty head cold, I was NOT going to miss our New Years. The whole point of it was to relax and destress and I had been looking forward to it since I booked it in November.

We went to Monterey and got a neat hotel suite with two rooms and an in room hot tub for me, Loving Hubby and Sweetheart. We also went to this event called "First Night Monterey"... basically a dry new years festival thing. Got a henna tattoo on my hand, saw Taiko drummers, and a slew of other things. It was fairly crowded but a good portion of it was outdoors where there is always an 'escape'. The henna tattoo was fun even if it was one of the two things that made me kinda anxious. The only other people really around us in line were kids so I felt completely silly and a bit anxious, but Sweetheart kept me in line and made me do it which I am glad. Later in the evening when it got colder and most of the events where inside and more crowded my heart started racing and I was close to having an attack, but at that point we decided to go back to the hotel room with our snacks and apple cider and relax in the hot tub.

My head felt like someone was trying to cram it full of clay and then inflate the clay somehow, but I really enjoyed myself. On New Years day I was tired and still felt blah, but we stopped at Marina State Beach on the way back home and walked around for a bit. There was hardly anyone there except for a few people walking their dogs and a few surfers on the gorgeous waves farther down the beach. It was wonderfully peaceful and if it wasn't for the sand in my sneakers that no matter what I did I couldn't get out (which lead me to nearly pitching a fit when we got back to the car since I couldn't get them off quick enough and started to feel claustrophobic, thank you Loving Hubby for getting them the hell off of me), it would have been nearly anxiety free.

I can't really remember exactly when I could claim I had another day I felt that 'unanxious'... the only day that even remotely comes to mind was Sweetheart's birthday back in August, or some time right around there. I figured out then that with my new swimsuit, it actually fit well enough that I could properly dive into a pool without worrying about something popping out. I love to swim and dive but I was in high school the last time I was able to dive and not have to hold my top in place. It was almost rediculous how unbelievably happy it made me.