Its been a while...

And things haven't been going the greatest.

Ups and downs. A lot of them. (just to note there were breaks between each of these, I didnt go right from one to the other.)

A catch up here of sorts. 50mg of Zoloft was more than I could tolerate during the day but helped me sleep. 25mgs didn't do anything. 37.5mg helped me get to sleep, but I ended up waking up but my brain would not kick out of REM... which meant vivid, realistic audible hallucinations. No more Zoloft.

Tried Celexa. Helped me sleep. A little too well. Also made my chest tight. Took Benadryl and felt awake and other than anxious, well. Basically had a slow allergic reaction to it. No more Celexa.

Tried Prozac. Three days of migraines later, no more Prozac.

Tried Paxil. Minor headaches and feeling like I was disconnected from my body, like I was experiencing everything in third person. No more Prozac.

Tried something I can't even remember the name of. Long story short it was supposed to just help me get some damn sleep but ended up speeding me up instead. No more of than one.

Tried Buspar. Still on it. Mixed results. Having a hard time getting to sleep but when I do get to sleep I actually get some restful sleep, even if it is in short spurts. So I feel far more rested than I have in quite a while even though I am only truly getting 2-3 hours of sleep a night. On the negative side, I can only take a half dose during the day because it makes me dizzy for a few hours after taking it (not an issue when I am in bed, so I've been taking a full dose at night). Seems to help some with the panic attacks, thought not with the anxiety overall. I haven't had any un-triggered panic attacks since getting up to this dosage, so they are fewer, but still having them over things that I know are issues. ABSOLUTELY vital I don't forget a dose. EVERYTHING will set me off into a panic if I miss a dose. Can't have caffeine of any sort. I had half a Dr. Pepper a week after I started taking it. For the next two hours I felt like I was running on a treadmill. Pulse about 120, sweating like all hell and crunching ice to keep from feeling overheated. No anxiety with it, just felt monstrously sped. Also can't get through a night without getting up at least once to get a small snack as it seems to be messing with my blood sugar. I can't go more than 4 hours-ish without food.

Despite everything though, I feel a little more in control of myself than I have in a long time. Part of me is happy to be able to not randomly get panicked over nothing I can identify. Part of me is upset that what has worked best so far still leaves me far from 'functional'.

I know I need to bring up the possibility of disability with my doctor. I know he'd be supportive of it at this point. But the thought of bringing it up gives me anxiety in and of itself. And the thought of dealing with the whole process terrifies me. I'll only have (if I am lucky), 2 units to teach in the fall, down from 4 this past spring, 8 last fall and 12 the spring before that. I've told family that it is due to budget cuts, but had I been able to complete other things I would have had a full schedule of units. This isn't a 'might have', this is a 'I've been told specifically I would have and that future units are conditional on completing those other things'.

I really don't know what to do. It feels like everything in my life has come to a grinding halt and it doesn't matter how hard I try to do things, I can't seem to get them done.

More appointments and stuff

I have another doctors appointment this afternoon that I have to leave to in about 20 minutes so I'll have to squeeze this post in.

Staring at the ceiling in bed about a week ago I started to think about the holidays... specifically the time between Thanksgiving and Christmas. I started with Thanksgiving, thinking about we had gone to my Grandmother's house and the food. But then I realized what I was remembering was Thanksgiving the year before. As much as I tried, I couldn't remember an actual memory from this Thanksgiving. I mean, I knew what went on that day because I know what was supposed to go on that day. But actual memories, no.

I thought about it some more and realized, other than a few blips here and there, I know what went on because of what was supposed to go on, but I really don't remember anything between Thanksgiving and just before Christmas for this past season. I know it was the height of my stress (and ended in culmination with 40 hours of no sleep, a near psychotic break, a trip to the psychologist last minute before the office closed for the holidays and a subsequent visit to the doctor who prescribed sleeping pills for the time being). It was one, long, continuous anxiety attack. I can't imagine what would have happened if what triggered the 'finale' of insomnia, if one would call it that, hadn't happened. Would I have continued loosing time?

Anyway, I am up to 50mg of the Zoloft stuff a day. I dunno. Its not really having any affect on my anxiety and I don't notice any differences in sleep between the 25 and 50mg dosages. I'm sure he'll put me up to 75mg or even 100mg today. My muscles feel tight and tingly which I don't know to attribute to the Zoloft or just to my history of muscle spasms. My appetite has taken a nose dive and I've lost 6 lbs since being on it. I'm more aware of my heart racing when before I knew it was but I was more preoccupied with what was happening in my head... now I realize both.

I woke up about 6am the day after going up to the 50mg in a major attack. I felt terrified for no reason and I felt like I wanted to scream. I didn't. I laid in bed for an hour feeling awful. I knew if I screamed it wouldn't help and would just end up freaking my Loving Hubby and Sweetheart out. About 7am I knew my heart racing so long coupled with I hadn't eaten since 6pm the evening before that my blood sugar was low. It took me another 30 minutes to muster enough mental strength to move through the panic and get up to get something to eat.

At least once a day since mid-November I've had anxiety severe enough to call it a panic attack, though of varying degrees. I want to file for disability... but I can't muster enough non-anxiety to even broach it with my doctor.

Insomnia

Right now I get the feeling that if I could actually sleep for more than 10-15 minute blips in a four hour period I could actually function today.

The insomnia is just not relenting this time. I laid in bed awake most of the night... totalled about an hour of sleep. I even reset the alarm for later to try and get some more sleep.

Looking at me after I finally decided to forget laying in bed and trying to get something done, Loving Hubby said "I can feel your brain short circuit from here." Somehow his attempts at humor this morning did not amuse me... I give him credit for trying, but I've gotten all of 35 hours of sleep in the last two weeks... or averaging 2.5 hours of sleep a night.

I have another doctors appointment tomorrow. If I don't go insane before then...