Its been a while...

And things haven't been going the greatest.

Ups and downs. A lot of them. (just to note there were breaks between each of these, I didnt go right from one to the other.)

A catch up here of sorts. 50mg of Zoloft was more than I could tolerate during the day but helped me sleep. 25mgs didn't do anything. 37.5mg helped me get to sleep, but I ended up waking up but my brain would not kick out of REM... which meant vivid, realistic audible hallucinations. No more Zoloft.

Tried Celexa. Helped me sleep. A little too well. Also made my chest tight. Took Benadryl and felt awake and other than anxious, well. Basically had a slow allergic reaction to it. No more Celexa.

Tried Prozac. Three days of migraines later, no more Prozac.

Tried Paxil. Minor headaches and feeling like I was disconnected from my body, like I was experiencing everything in third person. No more Prozac.

Tried something I can't even remember the name of. Long story short it was supposed to just help me get some damn sleep but ended up speeding me up instead. No more of than one.

Tried Buspar. Still on it. Mixed results. Having a hard time getting to sleep but when I do get to sleep I actually get some restful sleep, even if it is in short spurts. So I feel far more rested than I have in quite a while even though I am only truly getting 2-3 hours of sleep a night. On the negative side, I can only take a half dose during the day because it makes me dizzy for a few hours after taking it (not an issue when I am in bed, so I've been taking a full dose at night). Seems to help some with the panic attacks, thought not with the anxiety overall. I haven't had any un-triggered panic attacks since getting up to this dosage, so they are fewer, but still having them over things that I know are issues. ABSOLUTELY vital I don't forget a dose. EVERYTHING will set me off into a panic if I miss a dose. Can't have caffeine of any sort. I had half a Dr. Pepper a week after I started taking it. For the next two hours I felt like I was running on a treadmill. Pulse about 120, sweating like all hell and crunching ice to keep from feeling overheated. No anxiety with it, just felt monstrously sped. Also can't get through a night without getting up at least once to get a small snack as it seems to be messing with my blood sugar. I can't go more than 4 hours-ish without food.

Despite everything though, I feel a little more in control of myself than I have in a long time. Part of me is happy to be able to not randomly get panicked over nothing I can identify. Part of me is upset that what has worked best so far still leaves me far from 'functional'.

I know I need to bring up the possibility of disability with my doctor. I know he'd be supportive of it at this point. But the thought of bringing it up gives me anxiety in and of itself. And the thought of dealing with the whole process terrifies me. I'll only have (if I am lucky), 2 units to teach in the fall, down from 4 this past spring, 8 last fall and 12 the spring before that. I've told family that it is due to budget cuts, but had I been able to complete other things I would have had a full schedule of units. This isn't a 'might have', this is a 'I've been told specifically I would have and that future units are conditional on completing those other things'.

I really don't know what to do. It feels like everything in my life has come to a grinding halt and it doesn't matter how hard I try to do things, I can't seem to get them done.