Creating anxiety

Even with being anxious over every last little thing, I know there are some things that it is perfectly okay to feel anxious about.

Buying your first home is one of them.

Long story short, we are paying $845 a month in rent for a 2 bed, 1 bath, 890sq ft apartment. Due to the housing bubble crash or whatever you want to call it, houses that would have been $300k and more a few years ago can be had for $80-100k. With taxes and insurance factored in, we'd be looking at saving at least $150 a month on rent alone and another $50 a month on not needing to store our other car. And that's at the $100k end of things. We also currently have enough to put down 10% on a house in that price range.

But of course there is the issue of dealing with it all. Income is an issue. A big one. The majority of our income comes in two lump sums in February and September. It is student income, about $15k between the loving hubby and I each year. Last year and the year before we made about $15k working, so have been living off of about $30k a year. But our tax return shows only the $15k.

I know we should be able to qualify for an FHA loan which isn't as stringent as a conventional loan, but the income part still worries me. I can prove we've gotten the income in the past and I can prove that at least for the next year we will continue to receive that income. What is difficult is that I only work during the semesters and well, this last semester and coming semester don't look the hottest as far as income is concerned. We'll be lucky if we get $7500 this year in earned income. If we get a house though, we'll get about $8000 back from the government for being first time home buyers come the beginning of next year, which also helps with the cash flow.

And we can't afford to keep paying rent at this amount and there aren't places any cheaper to rent either. We have to be putting out less per month to make it. We've already cut out satellite television and all the features on our home phone (call waiting, caller id, etc). We went on a cell plan with my mom and brothers to save money too and we only pay $30 a month for that. We got rid of one of our cars that we weren't driving which just saved us a bunch on insurance. We've been living off of just under $1400 a month so far this year, and with (at least up until this coming month) paying $800 a month in rent and $260 in a car payment, I think I can run a pretty tight ship for a three-person household.

Lets just hope the loan guy sees it that way. Though we know the rate will be slightly higher, we are first going to talk to the loan guy at our bank. We know everyone in the branch by first name and they know us. They can also easily see our cash flow and that we have the huge deposits twice a year. I am hoping/praying that it will help. Along with being able to show that despite our rent being nearly 60% of our income we have been able to make it and that lowering that housing payment is just going to make it even easier.

I told loving hubby I would go with him to the bank in the morning to talk about it. But I am now just freaking out and trying not to fall into a full-blown panic attack. As I started this post out, I know it is normal to feel anxious about something like this. It is a huge step. I just hope I don't have a melt-down midway through.

(BTW, loving hubby has been looking for a job since January with no luck. Sweetheart has been looking even longer. Our county currently has nearly a 20% unemployment rate.)

Its been a while...

And things haven't been going the greatest.

Ups and downs. A lot of them. (just to note there were breaks between each of these, I didnt go right from one to the other.)

A catch up here of sorts. 50mg of Zoloft was more than I could tolerate during the day but helped me sleep. 25mgs didn't do anything. 37.5mg helped me get to sleep, but I ended up waking up but my brain would not kick out of REM... which meant vivid, realistic audible hallucinations. No more Zoloft.

Tried Celexa. Helped me sleep. A little too well. Also made my chest tight. Took Benadryl and felt awake and other than anxious, well. Basically had a slow allergic reaction to it. No more Celexa.

Tried Prozac. Three days of migraines later, no more Prozac.

Tried Paxil. Minor headaches and feeling like I was disconnected from my body, like I was experiencing everything in third person. No more Prozac.

Tried something I can't even remember the name of. Long story short it was supposed to just help me get some damn sleep but ended up speeding me up instead. No more of than one.

Tried Buspar. Still on it. Mixed results. Having a hard time getting to sleep but when I do get to sleep I actually get some restful sleep, even if it is in short spurts. So I feel far more rested than I have in quite a while even though I am only truly getting 2-3 hours of sleep a night. On the negative side, I can only take a half dose during the day because it makes me dizzy for a few hours after taking it (not an issue when I am in bed, so I've been taking a full dose at night). Seems to help some with the panic attacks, thought not with the anxiety overall. I haven't had any un-triggered panic attacks since getting up to this dosage, so they are fewer, but still having them over things that I know are issues. ABSOLUTELY vital I don't forget a dose. EVERYTHING will set me off into a panic if I miss a dose. Can't have caffeine of any sort. I had half a Dr. Pepper a week after I started taking it. For the next two hours I felt like I was running on a treadmill. Pulse about 120, sweating like all hell and crunching ice to keep from feeling overheated. No anxiety with it, just felt monstrously sped. Also can't get through a night without getting up at least once to get a small snack as it seems to be messing with my blood sugar. I can't go more than 4 hours-ish without food.

Despite everything though, I feel a little more in control of myself than I have in a long time. Part of me is happy to be able to not randomly get panicked over nothing I can identify. Part of me is upset that what has worked best so far still leaves me far from 'functional'.

I know I need to bring up the possibility of disability with my doctor. I know he'd be supportive of it at this point. But the thought of bringing it up gives me anxiety in and of itself. And the thought of dealing with the whole process terrifies me. I'll only have (if I am lucky), 2 units to teach in the fall, down from 4 this past spring, 8 last fall and 12 the spring before that. I've told family that it is due to budget cuts, but had I been able to complete other things I would have had a full schedule of units. This isn't a 'might have', this is a 'I've been told specifically I would have and that future units are conditional on completing those other things'.

I really don't know what to do. It feels like everything in my life has come to a grinding halt and it doesn't matter how hard I try to do things, I can't seem to get them done.